Tomorrow it will be the 6 year anniversary of the day you nonchalantly walked over to me at the nurses station, (at the facility where we were both working), handed me your business card, and oh so coolly, said "why don't you give me a call". Playing just a little hard to get, I said "I don't call men..if you want to talk to me, you pick up the phone and call me" and handed you my number. Fifteen minutes later, you called and left a message on my phone...and that began the great love story of our lives. Tomorrow is also the 10 months anniversary of your death.
As much as I miss you, as much as I don't understand, even more than my loss, is the loss that our "Little Guy" has suffered. So many times I have questioned God about this. "God, I get it that you thought I could handle the loss of my husband, but why did you have to take this man from our child"?
There were so many times that I would watch you and Tru together. You had this special, wonderful love between the two of you. I would think "If Tru turns out well, it will be because of Michael". You were so amazing with him. You played with him, gave him one on one time, you sang songs together, went to ball games together. Every night, he went to bed when you did and I would carry him to his own bed when I came to bed. The two of you would be snuggled up so tightly, that I didn't always know where you ended and he began He was just starting to grow up, just starting to learn from you, and then, you were gone! Suddenly, a little boy who lived in a happy home and was the center of the Universe for the two of us, became a little boy without a father figure and the only child in the home of a grieving widow.
This has been such an excruciating journey for the two of us! We're both so lost in our grief. I can't be who you were with him. I fall so short in comparison to who you were...even to who I was, when I was parenting with you. He tries me constantly. He questions everything I tell him to do. He looks for a father, he longs for that relationship that only a man can give him. He talks often of wanting to come to Heaven to help you build our mansion so that we can all be together again. And my heart just breaks for him!
Baby, I wish that you were here to tell me what to do. How do I help his little heart to mend? I worry that I'm not enough. He looks at other men with the hope that maybe someone will be there for him. Someone will play ball with him, someone will dance with him and sing songs with him. Someone will discipline with love and strength. He looks for someone to be his role model. He looks for you in the face of every man he sees.
He's growing up so quickly and I'm so afraid that he will forget you. That he will forget the wonderful things you taught him. I asked him today if he still hears your voice in his head. He said "Yes, ALL the time". I asked him what it was that you say to him. He told me "He always tells me he loves me and that when I get to Heaven we can play checkers. He says you can play checkers with us too, Mawmo". I asked him if he ever sees you. He said "Yes, Mawmo, in my dreams. I always see him in my dreams". Baby, I hope that he will always hear your voice and see you in his dreams so that he never forgets.
Day by day, our life is going on without you in it. I pray that God will heal my heart so I can be the parent that our little guy needs. He's only five years old, and already he's been orphaned for almost a year of that...orphaned by a Popi that went to Heaven and a Mawmo that has been wounded by grief.
I'm not sure how this will all work out, but I'm trying, Michael. I'm trying to be healthy and I'm trying to learn to be a single parent. It's not easy, but I love this little guy so much, and he is worthy of my fighting my way out of the pain. He is worthy of having a happy parent and once again, being the center of the Universe.
We love you so much, Michael!
G and your "Sidekick"
In the United States, by the age of 20, one in nine children will have lost a parent to death. In 2001, the US Census said that 4% of all single parents were widowed. I pray that people will take an interest in these lost children. A little bit of time from a caring friend or relative can mean so much in the life of these little ones who are hurting so badly.
If you know of a child who has lost a parent, I hope that you will take the time to include him in your life. These kids need someone who will be dependable and constant. Someone who will be a positive roll model. Someone they can call on when they are being left out of the Father/Son or Father/Daughter activities in school, because they have no father. Someone who is willing to be a part of healing the broken heart of a child.
What Are the Signs That a Grieving Child Needs Extra Help?
The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (1998) cautions parents and teachers that, although most children grieve less over time, counseling might be considered if children exhibit several of these behaviors over an extended period:
- Depression so severe that a child shows little interest in daily activities
- Inability to sleep, eat normally, or be alone
- Regression in behavior to that of a less-mature child
- Imitation of the deceased person
- Repeatedly wishing to join the deceased
- Loss of interest in friends or play
- Refusal to attend school or a persistent and marked drop in school achievement
