Just Let Me Cry

Dear Michael,

I haven't written for a very long time.  It's not that I haven't thought of you, because I think  of you every minute of every day.  It's not because you're no longer important to me or that I don't have a million things to say to you, it's just because I'm still struggling, and maybe I just don't want you to know how much, after 2 1/2 years, I still struggle.

When you died, if someone had asked me honestly how long I thought grief would take, I probably would've said "One year.  I should be better and back on my feet in one year".  It's not that I thought I wouldn't think of you, or miss you, but I really thought that one year was enough to get over the heart ache.

Now, I know..it just doesn't happen like that, Baby.  The pain changes, it gets lighter and there are some good days thrown in there, but the grief stays.  You just learn to live around it.  There are days that I'm hopeful and think that maybe I'm ready to move on..but then I realize that by moving on, I'm still just searching for you.

When you were here, we were always so busy.  Remember when I told you that time was going so fast because we were so happy, and maybe we ought to try to be a little more miserable, to slow down the time so that the end wouldn't come so quickly?

Now, my days seem to go by in a blur.  I'm always so busy on the outside, so many things to do, but I just don't have the same attitude.  I've lost my joy.  I struggle through days like I'm walking through quick sand.  I wake up and think "I need to clean the house and get laundry done today".  Then it hits me...why?  Tomorrow is the same as today.  I don't have a reason to hurry and get anything done.

I struggle a lot, Michael.  I struggle emotionally, financially, physically.  I struggle with loneliness.  I have never felt so alone in my life.  You were my "person" and now you're gone.  I  struggle with sadness and fear and anger.  I miss you Michael.

You changed my life in so many ways.  You were my "golden years".  I was so happy with you.  I was so fulfilled, and I had so much joy.  I looked forward to you coming home from work.  I looked forward to our weekends and crawling in bed at night to sleep next to you.  You brought everything I'd ever hoped for into my life.  When you left, Michael, you took it all with you.

Now that you are gone, there is no one here to protect me.  No one to protect me from being taken advantage of, no one to protect me from the loneliness or the dark days.  There is no one here that is in love with me.  No one to help me be a parent, to fix things when they break.  There is no one to touch my face or to tell me I'm beautiful when I feel everything but beautiful.

I try really hard to encourage others and to encourage myself as well.  I will keep fighting and keep breathing and keep putting my feet on the floor even on those days that I feel like giving up, because life really is worth living.  I will keep saying "fine" when people ask me how I am and I will keep choosing to believe that I really am "fine", until the day that it's the truth.

So, I guess the reason that I haven't written in so long, is because really, no one should have to know what it's really like in the day of a widow.  Life shouldn't be about thinking of death and sadness.  And who knows...tomorrow may be the day that I wake up and am excited to get the laundry done...but for now..just let me cry.  Let me cry so that all the sadness and the loneliness and grief can work themselves out of my heart.  Let me cry because today, I miss you so much.