From my friend Andrea: "I've loved and lost enough for more than one lifetime." Chas Ryder in Brideshead Revisited by Evelyn Waugh. Great movie. Great line.
When we were dating, and I was imagining our life together, when my soul was lonely and missing you and longing for us to be a family, you talked about frying bacon. I told you that someday I wanted you to make me "bubbly bacon". It became a symbol of waking up together, sharing something as simple as breakfast..because breakfast meant that you had slept next to me.
After we were married, every Sunday morning you got up and you made me bubbly bacon. You also made me eggs (I really didn't like the way that you made the eggs, but I ate them anyway. I never told you that I didn't like them, because I liked the fact that you made them for me). You would make my egg soft and always put a toothpick in my egg so I would know that it was my "special" egg.
After you were gone, I don't remember how many days or hours it had been, but I opened the fridge and saw the bacon there. I cried and cried..the ugly cry (I HATE the ugly cry). My sweet, beautiful friend, Louise, called me while I was in the middle of the ugly cry. My heart was breaking. I couldn't stand the thought of the bacon in the fridge because you will never make me bacon again. While I was crying and she was listening, I looked up and she was coming through my door. She just held me while I cried and cried some more over bacon. I felt like God had sent Louise to me at just that time to help me deal with the pain of the bacon.
I visited with you at the cemetery again today. I had to meet a friend who wanted to buy one of my rebozzo's from Mexico. I met her at the Wendy's that was only a few blocks from the cemetery. The roses we left yesterday were already drooping from the heat (it was over 103 degrees today). I kneeled by your grave and cried. I was the only one in the cemetery and it felt as if my sobs echoed over the graves, the sounds of my pain wrapped around the trees and carried on the wind. It sounded to me as if my cries came from some hollow place, as if they had a life of their own that was somehow not even connected to me. I wondered what I must look like? Sitting there on my knees, crying, snot running out of my nose, feeling as if I would drown from the saliva that was forming in my mouth in waves. I felt like I needed to spit so I could keep breathing. But even though I was alone, I wouldn't spit. Even in grief I can't completely let go.
When it was over (he ugly cry), I looked around and noticed that on every single grave, the grass was brown. It was green between the graves, but every grave was brown and the browness was exactly the shape of the grave. What causes that? I wanted to stop in at the office and ask them, but I was afraid they would think I was crazy. I could look across the hill and see each and every grave. And I thought of the chemicals they put in the bodies. Did the chemical leach out of the casket, out of the vault and seep into the ground in the shape of the grave? Death is so ugly.
Sometimes the realization that you're really gone surprises me. It takes my breath away. I can go hours at a time without thinking about it, and then out of nowhere, it's there, this thought that says "my husband is dead, my husband is REALLY dead". My mind knows it, but my heart doesn't believe it. I wonder how everyone else just accepts that you are gone, because I can't. Maybe I will believe it in stages? I don't know. I don't know how this works.
Tonight while I was dispatching for mom's cab company, some guy on the phone told me he was clairvoyant. He said he sensed sadness in me and hummed and drummed and chanted and sent me blue and purple waves of energy and love. He told me my "Sweetie" sent him. It was the "Sweetie" part that got me. You called me "Sweetie". Tru told everyone "My Mawmo's name is Sweetie Fisher because that's what my Popi calls her". You would've been upset because some drunk guy calling for a cab was talking to me for so long. I half listened, half cried and half wanted to believe what he told me. All the while praying that God protect me if this guy was bringing evil into my life.
Today was Sunday. There was no bubbly bacon when I woke up. There was no egg with a toothpick in it to eat before church. But, I bought bacon. I threw away the old bacon and I bought new bacon, so that when I'm ready, I'll fry bubbly bacon for myself, and I'll make eggs the way I like them, but for now, the bacon is in the fridge and when I'm ready, I'll eat bubbly bacon without you, but I'll never eat bubbly bacon again without thinking of my Sweetie.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Cemeteries and Roses
Hi Michael,
For the first time today, Tru asked to go to the cemetery to see you. We went and bought some roses (red for me, pink for Tru).He asked if we would ride in the limousine to go there. He wanted to know where all the people were? Why wasn't everyone else visiting you today?
We walked around and looked at headstones and memorial benches and Tru "sat on Popi's lap". I just kept looking at the dates on the headstones and thinking "oh, she only had to wait a year", "oh, he waited 12 years to join his wife","that couple went together". And I wonder how long it will be before I can be with you again? And you know what? It really stinks that I have to go to a cemetery to see my husband. It just really, really stinks.
It just breaks my heart to go to the cemetery. I HATE that you are there! I want to dig myself down to you, to lay in your arms again. I showed Tru the spot where I will be buried some day and he wants to be buried on the other side of you. A four-almost 5 year old little boy shouldn't have to worry about that sort of thing. He shouldn't even be thinking about it.
Today he told me that he wants to die before me so that he can help you build our mansion and get it all ready for me to get there. I know he doesn't realize what he's saying, but Baby, please watch over our little guy because it just scares me so badly that I could lose you both.
He wanted to know why you didn't have a grave (a tombstone) like the others. I told him that you will have a very special one, but it takes a long time to get it made. Before we left, he pushed the stems of the roses into the dirt so that they would stand up on your grave. I said "you know what Popi would say?" he asked "what", so I did my best Popi imitation and said "he'd say, Thank you little guy". Tru kind of smiled at that and it just made me miss you even more.
Saturdays are hard. It's been 9 weeks today. Nine weeks ago this morning, it started out to be a wonderful day, by the end of the day (9 weeks ago to the hour) I was coming home from the hospital a widow. And so began the worst days of my life.
I would give almost anything to talk to you one more time, to say "goodbye". I would give almost anything to have you hold me one last time, to hear your laugh, to see you play with Tru. I would give almost anything to crawl into our bed and scoot next to you to "spoon", to put my left hand on your stomach and my right hand on your head and sigh with contentment like I used to do every night. To say "I love you, husband" one last time before I close my eyes. I would give anything to go back 9 1/2 weeks and make the worst day never happen.
Baby, how do I live without you?
For the first time today, Tru asked to go to the cemetery to see you. We went and bought some roses (red for me, pink for Tru).He asked if we would ride in the limousine to go there. He wanted to know where all the people were? Why wasn't everyone else visiting you today?
We walked around and looked at headstones and memorial benches and Tru "sat on Popi's lap". I just kept looking at the dates on the headstones and thinking "oh, she only had to wait a year", "oh, he waited 12 years to join his wife","that couple went together". And I wonder how long it will be before I can be with you again? And you know what? It really stinks that I have to go to a cemetery to see my husband. It just really, really stinks.
It just breaks my heart to go to the cemetery. I HATE that you are there! I want to dig myself down to you, to lay in your arms again. I showed Tru the spot where I will be buried some day and he wants to be buried on the other side of you. A four-almost 5 year old little boy shouldn't have to worry about that sort of thing. He shouldn't even be thinking about it.
Today he told me that he wants to die before me so that he can help you build our mansion and get it all ready for me to get there. I know he doesn't realize what he's saying, but Baby, please watch over our little guy because it just scares me so badly that I could lose you both.
He wanted to know why you didn't have a grave (a tombstone) like the others. I told him that you will have a very special one, but it takes a long time to get it made. Before we left, he pushed the stems of the roses into the dirt so that they would stand up on your grave. I said "you know what Popi would say?" he asked "what", so I did my best Popi imitation and said "he'd say, Thank you little guy". Tru kind of smiled at that and it just made me miss you even more.
Saturdays are hard. It's been 9 weeks today. Nine weeks ago this morning, it started out to be a wonderful day, by the end of the day (9 weeks ago to the hour) I was coming home from the hospital a widow. And so began the worst days of my life.
I would give almost anything to talk to you one more time, to say "goodbye". I would give almost anything to have you hold me one last time, to hear your laugh, to see you play with Tru. I would give almost anything to crawl into our bed and scoot next to you to "spoon", to put my left hand on your stomach and my right hand on your head and sigh with contentment like I used to do every night. To say "I love you, husband" one last time before I close my eyes. I would give anything to go back 9 1/2 weeks and make the worst day never happen.
Baby, how do I live without you?
Friday, July 27, 2012
Days, Dreams and Denial
Hi Baby,
Today marks the 2 month anniversary of your death (I hate that word connected to you). I had a dream about you night before last. I dreamed that we were at a private service right before you were to be buried. As I looked at you in the casket (you had on your white shirt..I don't know what happened to your suit coat) and you started moving your arm. It really scared me because I thought it was a bodily response or something (always the nurse). Then you sat up! It was like you had just been sleeping. You picked up Tru and you took him to his "buddies store", then you came back and sat down with him on your lap. I knew that you couldn't stay "alive" because I knew you had been embalmed, I knew you had donated your bones (again, the nurse), but I didn't want to tell you. I remember I was asking you question about what I should do with your insurance money, what I should do with your 401K, and before you could answer, the phone rang and woke me up. Last night I dreamed that it was me whose funeral was being held. I wondered how I could look dead when I was still breathing...so very weird.
Today I changed the sheets on the bed! It's taken me two months to be able to do that. I couldn't stand the thought of taking "you" off our bed! Taking away the last thing you slept on-that WE slept on, that we made love on. You would probably worry about my mental health over that if you were here, but I think you would also understand. I had to have Courtney stay on the phone with me while I took the sheets off the bed. I neatly folded them (unwashed) and put them in the top of your closet just in case I feel like I need to put them back on the bed. I cried the whole time I was doing it. And I remembered how we used to talk about how good clean sheets feel and imagined telling you when you came home from work that the bed had clean sheets on it.
I doubled my anti depressants and it seems to help..or maybe it just makes me feel numb. I feel guilty when I have a good day. Like, maybe you'll see me not crying and you'll think it's because I didn't really love you. These emotions, the grieving is so strange..I don't even recognize these thoughts and emotions as being part of me. It's sure not something that I would've ever imagined.
I'm still fighting social security. They say that Tru is not our dependent. It's just ludicrous! We had joint permanent guardianship, went through all those court hearings so Tru could have "permanency" and now Social Security says he's not our dependent.
I made an appointment to have a Trust formed so that I can put the house, the cars and all our stuff into the Trust. It was so hard realizing that when you were gone, I had to change all the "emergency contact" stuff and to change the beneficiary on everything. All this stuff, baby! You know, I told Tom that maybe it would've been better for Tru if I had been the one who died instead of you. But then, I can't imagine you having to wade through all this legal stuff. And I wouldn't want to wish this pain on you.
I still can't fathom that you're really dead. I look at your pictures, I smell your clothes, I see your toothbrush in the bathroom and I can still feel you, and I just can't imagine you as gone forever. I talk about you all the time like you were still here. I do things as if you were going to come home. You were such a sweet, wonderful, kind, active man...how could you be dead already?
I love you so much, Baby. like you used to tell me "Never,ever forget how much I love you...no matter what". I love you, Baby. No matter what.
Today marks the 2 month anniversary of your death (I hate that word connected to you). I had a dream about you night before last. I dreamed that we were at a private service right before you were to be buried. As I looked at you in the casket (you had on your white shirt..I don't know what happened to your suit coat) and you started moving your arm. It really scared me because I thought it was a bodily response or something (always the nurse). Then you sat up! It was like you had just been sleeping. You picked up Tru and you took him to his "buddies store", then you came back and sat down with him on your lap. I knew that you couldn't stay "alive" because I knew you had been embalmed, I knew you had donated your bones (again, the nurse), but I didn't want to tell you. I remember I was asking you question about what I should do with your insurance money, what I should do with your 401K, and before you could answer, the phone rang and woke me up. Last night I dreamed that it was me whose funeral was being held. I wondered how I could look dead when I was still breathing...so very weird.
Today I changed the sheets on the bed! It's taken me two months to be able to do that. I couldn't stand the thought of taking "you" off our bed! Taking away the last thing you slept on-that WE slept on, that we made love on. You would probably worry about my mental health over that if you were here, but I think you would also understand. I had to have Courtney stay on the phone with me while I took the sheets off the bed. I neatly folded them (unwashed) and put them in the top of your closet just in case I feel like I need to put them back on the bed. I cried the whole time I was doing it. And I remembered how we used to talk about how good clean sheets feel and imagined telling you when you came home from work that the bed had clean sheets on it.
I doubled my anti depressants and it seems to help..or maybe it just makes me feel numb. I feel guilty when I have a good day. Like, maybe you'll see me not crying and you'll think it's because I didn't really love you. These emotions, the grieving is so strange..I don't even recognize these thoughts and emotions as being part of me. It's sure not something that I would've ever imagined.
I'm still fighting social security. They say that Tru is not our dependent. It's just ludicrous! We had joint permanent guardianship, went through all those court hearings so Tru could have "permanency" and now Social Security says he's not our dependent.
I made an appointment to have a Trust formed so that I can put the house, the cars and all our stuff into the Trust. It was so hard realizing that when you were gone, I had to change all the "emergency contact" stuff and to change the beneficiary on everything. All this stuff, baby! You know, I told Tom that maybe it would've been better for Tru if I had been the one who died instead of you. But then, I can't imagine you having to wade through all this legal stuff. And I wouldn't want to wish this pain on you.
I still can't fathom that you're really dead. I look at your pictures, I smell your clothes, I see your toothbrush in the bathroom and I can still feel you, and I just can't imagine you as gone forever. I talk about you all the time like you were still here. I do things as if you were going to come home. You were such a sweet, wonderful, kind, active man...how could you be dead already?
I love you so much, Baby. like you used to tell me "Never,ever forget how much I love you...no matter what". I love you, Baby. No matter what.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
A Little, Painful Step
Today I gave some of your clothes away. I had decided a few weeks back that the only people that I could stand wearing your clothes are your brothers. I know that you would approve of that. I know you loved your brothers and they love you so much. Still, when it came time to actually part with your favorite blue plaid shirt, the dress slacks I bought you the weekend we stayed at Crown Center, the shirt you wore on our first anniversary, it was hard. I wanted to take them back..tell Frank that I had changed my mind. But, I didn't...I let those parts of you go.
I'm afraid to let too many parts go. I'm afraid that when those things are gone, you will be once and for all, finally gone. I almost changed the sheets on the bed today...but I still just can't do that. It's like keeping them there, that place where you last made love to me, I can somehow keep YOU there with me. The same with your beer can. It was the last thing you touched. I can't let it go. But, I let some of your clothes go.
I really don't want to move forward, but somehow the world keeps dragging me in that direction. I have kicked and screamed and cried and begged to stay in my past..our past. The past that included you alive and warm and happy and laughing and loving. I tell myself that by moving forward, living my life, I'm actually moving towards you and being with you once again. Every minute of every day, I live my life for you.
Frank looks so much like an older version of you. His voice is different, his personality is not the same, but when I look at him from the side, I see your face. I kept looking at his face thinking "if I look hard enough, his face will turn into your face and you will be back". But in his world Fairy Tales don't seem to always end happily.
I love you, Michael. I miss you more and more every day. Every day I just want you to come home to me and Tru. But, today I gave some of your clothes away.
I'm afraid to let too many parts go. I'm afraid that when those things are gone, you will be once and for all, finally gone. I almost changed the sheets on the bed today...but I still just can't do that. It's like keeping them there, that place where you last made love to me, I can somehow keep YOU there with me. The same with your beer can. It was the last thing you touched. I can't let it go. But, I let some of your clothes go.
I really don't want to move forward, but somehow the world keeps dragging me in that direction. I have kicked and screamed and cried and begged to stay in my past..our past. The past that included you alive and warm and happy and laughing and loving. I tell myself that by moving forward, living my life, I'm actually moving towards you and being with you once again. Every minute of every day, I live my life for you.
Frank looks so much like an older version of you. His voice is different, his personality is not the same, but when I look at him from the side, I see your face. I kept looking at his face thinking "if I look hard enough, his face will turn into your face and you will be back". But in his world Fairy Tales don't seem to always end happily.
I love you, Michael. I miss you more and more every day. Every day I just want you to come home to me and Tru. But, today I gave some of your clothes away.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
The "Nothing" sets in.
Hi Michael,
The past few days have been busy. Remember, I had the Doula Conference this past week? It was good, but at the end of the day, not having you to talk to about it, it just seemed rather anti climactic. I went through the motions, accepted the hugs and condolences of my Doula Sisters from out of town, but mostly, I just stayed numb. I went to lunch with my friends and even made myself go to the "Disco Party". That was so hard. Listening to the music, seeing the others so happy and weightless and I was just numb.
Today I had a birth. It was a good birth and I really had to fight for my clients. For those hours in the birth room, I became myself. I was able to totally concentrate on this beautiful, birthing woman who trusted me to get her through her labor. You would've been so proud of me, Baby. When I went to the waiting room to give the new parents a chance to bond with their baby and become a family, I wanted to call you so badly. I picked up my phone and I listened to those precious voice mails that I have of you. And for just a moment, I let the tears come. But once again, I had to push them aside and just be numb.
Everything is falling apart without you. Tru is off the hook, I feel totally out of control of anything and everything around me, and Baby, I just don't know if I care?
I am still in a total state of denial. As I write these words, I still believe that you will be able to read them. I can still see you and feel you so warm and so alive. Sitting here in your chair, lying in our bed, but to keep from going insane, I let the "nothing set in".
Baby, I don't know how much longer I can stand this...how long can I keep functioning on the outside, trying to stay numb on the inside and waiting to just explode!
Everything scares me now, Baby. Some idiot killed 12 people in a movie theater in Colorado. There's a terrible drought the worst one since the dust bowl. Social Security denied us, I worry about finances (we had just gotten to where we could breathe)...all of these things scare me to death because I have to face them without you.
I feel abandoned by you, Michael. Not only did you leave me right in the middle of the life we had planned, but you don't even come to me in my dreams. Every night when I go to sleep, I pray that this will be the night that I have "that dream". The one that is so real, the one where you tell me you love me and that everything will be ok. But night after night, you leave me alone in my dreams.
The worst part is realizing that there is not now, nor will there ever be, anyone who is in love with me. No one to laugh at my jokes, no one to fuss at me when I mess something up, no one to hold me when I cry..no one to hold me ever again. I am so lost and alone without you, Baby. I just want you to come home.
People tell me I'm strong. I guess because no one has had to talk me off a ledge, that makes me strong? I'm not strong, I just don't believe you're really gone! How can you be? I hate this, Michael, I hate this so much!!!! I don't want to keep going, I don't want to wake up without you every day. I want you to come back, I want THIS life, I want THIS marriage, I want to finish what we started...I want the "nothing" to take away this pain because I don't think I can stand it for one more minute.
Michael, please, please, Baby, help me! Help me survive this without you. Help me wait until I can be with you again. I can't do this without you.
The past few days have been busy. Remember, I had the Doula Conference this past week? It was good, but at the end of the day, not having you to talk to about it, it just seemed rather anti climactic. I went through the motions, accepted the hugs and condolences of my Doula Sisters from out of town, but mostly, I just stayed numb. I went to lunch with my friends and even made myself go to the "Disco Party". That was so hard. Listening to the music, seeing the others so happy and weightless and I was just numb.
Today I had a birth. It was a good birth and I really had to fight for my clients. For those hours in the birth room, I became myself. I was able to totally concentrate on this beautiful, birthing woman who trusted me to get her through her labor. You would've been so proud of me, Baby. When I went to the waiting room to give the new parents a chance to bond with their baby and become a family, I wanted to call you so badly. I picked up my phone and I listened to those precious voice mails that I have of you. And for just a moment, I let the tears come. But once again, I had to push them aside and just be numb.
Everything is falling apart without you. Tru is off the hook, I feel totally out of control of anything and everything around me, and Baby, I just don't know if I care?
I am still in a total state of denial. As I write these words, I still believe that you will be able to read them. I can still see you and feel you so warm and so alive. Sitting here in your chair, lying in our bed, but to keep from going insane, I let the "nothing set in".
Baby, I don't know how much longer I can stand this...how long can I keep functioning on the outside, trying to stay numb on the inside and waiting to just explode!
Everything scares me now, Baby. Some idiot killed 12 people in a movie theater in Colorado. There's a terrible drought the worst one since the dust bowl. Social Security denied us, I worry about finances (we had just gotten to where we could breathe)...all of these things scare me to death because I have to face them without you.
I feel abandoned by you, Michael. Not only did you leave me right in the middle of the life we had planned, but you don't even come to me in my dreams. Every night when I go to sleep, I pray that this will be the night that I have "that dream". The one that is so real, the one where you tell me you love me and that everything will be ok. But night after night, you leave me alone in my dreams.
The worst part is realizing that there is not now, nor will there ever be, anyone who is in love with me. No one to laugh at my jokes, no one to fuss at me when I mess something up, no one to hold me when I cry..no one to hold me ever again. I am so lost and alone without you, Baby. I just want you to come home.
People tell me I'm strong. I guess because no one has had to talk me off a ledge, that makes me strong? I'm not strong, I just don't believe you're really gone! How can you be? I hate this, Michael, I hate this so much!!!! I don't want to keep going, I don't want to wake up without you every day. I want you to come back, I want THIS life, I want THIS marriage, I want to finish what we started...I want the "nothing" to take away this pain because I don't think I can stand it for one more minute.
Michael, please, please, Baby, help me! Help me survive this without you. Help me wait until I can be with you again. I can't do this without you.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Still waiting for you to come home.
It's been 54 days since you left, Michael. It still doesn't seem real that you are DEAD! You still feel so alive to me. I listen to the voice messages on my phone, I see your pictures and I wonder "how can he be dead when he's still so alive?". How can you, who were half of my soul, who sat beside me in our living room, snored beside me every night, talked to me on the phone 10 times a day, how can you possibly be gone?
The day I realized I was in love with you, I was so mad at myself. I was so mad for being foolish enough to fall in love with someone again. So afraid that I would be hurt again. And the next thing I knew, I never wanted anything as much as I wanted to be your wife.
Every single night of our marriage, I told you I loved you before I went to sleep. Every single night I thanked God for giving me the gift of you as my husband. Every single thing I've done since the day I fell in love with you, was for you. I so wanted to make you proud, to always give you the best, to make you feel loved and appreciated and you gave all those things back to me. I have never loved anyone the way that I love you.
This ache in my heart is constant. The loneliness, the pain, the missing you never goes away. Sometimes I will suddenly feel as if I've been with you...like waking from a dream and knowing you have been here...only it happens when I'm awake. Sometimes you feel so very close and other times you feel so very far away. I've waited for you to come to me in my dreams, but either you don't come, or I don't remember?
Baby, I just want you to come home. I don't want to go where you are right now..I want you to come back home. I want you to come back to THIS life, THIS marriage. I want us to finish what we started and to grow old together. You were supposed to be my forever guy. The guy that picked out a nursing home room with me. I figured that some day, I would lose you this way. That's the way it usually is with old people. That's the reason there are so many widows in nursing homes. But, I never dreamed it would be so soon.
When you were first gone, I cried constantly. The ugly cry. I couldn't believe how much liquid and mucous could come out of my face. Now I can actually go hours at a time without crying. But then it just comes...the tears over take me when I least expect it. The ugly cry. I hate the ugly cry. It feels like my guts are being torn out. It feels like being stabbed in the heart over and over again. The pain is so physical and so emotional that I don't think I can breathe. That I don't think I will be able to survive it.
It makes people uncomfortable to see my pain, to see me crying. I don't know if it's because they can imagine themselves in this pain and are afraid of it, or if it's because they want to help but don't know how. They don't know that even those moments when they don't see the tears on the outside, that the pain is just building on the inside. I think they feel like if they don't see tears, then I must be doing okay. Like the tears aren't a normal, natural part of this thing called grief.
I'm trying so hard to be okay, Michael. I'm only doing it because I know you would want me to...see, I'm still doing everything for YOU. I still go to your games, I still go to the events your friends invite me to, I still try to teach Tru the things you wanted him to learn, but I feel like such a failure at it. He won't listen to me. He totally ignores me. You were the only person he listened to, Baby.
I keep hearing you say "I just want to live long enough to raise Tru". And I always knew that you were the reason why he would turn out well. I loved the way we parented together. You created in me such a different person. Confident, determined, loving. You created that, or at least refined it in me.
Michael, I just want to be with you again. I miss US. I love you so much, Baby Boy.
g
The day I realized I was in love with you, I was so mad at myself. I was so mad for being foolish enough to fall in love with someone again. So afraid that I would be hurt again. And the next thing I knew, I never wanted anything as much as I wanted to be your wife.
Every single night of our marriage, I told you I loved you before I went to sleep. Every single night I thanked God for giving me the gift of you as my husband. Every single thing I've done since the day I fell in love with you, was for you. I so wanted to make you proud, to always give you the best, to make you feel loved and appreciated and you gave all those things back to me. I have never loved anyone the way that I love you.
This ache in my heart is constant. The loneliness, the pain, the missing you never goes away. Sometimes I will suddenly feel as if I've been with you...like waking from a dream and knowing you have been here...only it happens when I'm awake. Sometimes you feel so very close and other times you feel so very far away. I've waited for you to come to me in my dreams, but either you don't come, or I don't remember?
Baby, I just want you to come home. I don't want to go where you are right now..I want you to come back home. I want you to come back to THIS life, THIS marriage. I want us to finish what we started and to grow old together. You were supposed to be my forever guy. The guy that picked out a nursing home room with me. I figured that some day, I would lose you this way. That's the way it usually is with old people. That's the reason there are so many widows in nursing homes. But, I never dreamed it would be so soon.
When you were first gone, I cried constantly. The ugly cry. I couldn't believe how much liquid and mucous could come out of my face. Now I can actually go hours at a time without crying. But then it just comes...the tears over take me when I least expect it. The ugly cry. I hate the ugly cry. It feels like my guts are being torn out. It feels like being stabbed in the heart over and over again. The pain is so physical and so emotional that I don't think I can breathe. That I don't think I will be able to survive it.
It makes people uncomfortable to see my pain, to see me crying. I don't know if it's because they can imagine themselves in this pain and are afraid of it, or if it's because they want to help but don't know how. They don't know that even those moments when they don't see the tears on the outside, that the pain is just building on the inside. I think they feel like if they don't see tears, then I must be doing okay. Like the tears aren't a normal, natural part of this thing called grief.
I'm trying so hard to be okay, Michael. I'm only doing it because I know you would want me to...see, I'm still doing everything for YOU. I still go to your games, I still go to the events your friends invite me to, I still try to teach Tru the things you wanted him to learn, but I feel like such a failure at it. He won't listen to me. He totally ignores me. You were the only person he listened to, Baby.
I keep hearing you say "I just want to live long enough to raise Tru". And I always knew that you were the reason why he would turn out well. I loved the way we parented together. You created in me such a different person. Confident, determined, loving. You created that, or at least refined it in me.
Michael, I just want to be with you again. I miss US. I love you so much, Baby Boy.
g
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Looking back to remember-personal content
I keep trying to remember the last day that you were here with me. It's taken a while and really, I still don't remember all of the day before. I remember waking up,it was raining and we were snuggled up. You were thinking about getting a little freaky and then Tru came running in and jumped into bed with us. He got right between us and started trying to wriggle his way in. He was saying "hey guys, I don't have enough room...scoot over, Mawmo....Mawmo, this is MY spot next to Popi". When we finally let him between us, he said "Popi, let's me and you go watch cartoons in the living room and leave Mawmo here". You were always such a good sport when it came to Tru. Later that day (don't remember what I was doing or what time it was) I was joking with you and said "you thought you were going to get you some, didn't you?" and you said "yep". I replied "Yeah, and I was fixin' to give you a great big ole piece of it too" and you just laughed because you liked my crazy sense of humor. At some point that day, you drove to Forbo to put in your paperwork so you could get a paycheck the next week.
We went out for dinner because I asked you to take me. I was tired from the days in the hospital, a full day Thursday of visiting clients and was just being lazy this day. We went to Ruby Tuesdays. I drank a whole pear/lavender martini! You asked if you needed to drive home (because I almost never drink a whole drink). In the parking lot as I was driving us home, I snapped at you about something...I have no idea what it was and it just breaks my heart to think of it. You said "you never used to let little things bother you". I told you that I used to have more than one hormone left in my body and that I was just tired and I was also very scared and worried about you".
That evening, you were in your chair and I was sitting in my spot on the couch playing stupid computer games and you came and sat down next to me. You asked me what I was playing and I explained it to you...it was just something you never did and I knew something was bothering you. I put the computer away and put my arm around you so that I could rub your hair (you and Tru had gone to the barber shop that day). You told me to stop because there were no curls left and it was driving you crazy. I said I still liked the way your hair felt even without the curls. I asked you "Baby, are you scared?" and you said "no". I said "really, because I think I would be scared" and you told me "No, I'm only worried about you". The rest of the night was so normal.
I took a bath before I came to bed so that I would be clean for you. I knew since your attempts had been foiled by the little guy, you would be trying again, and I wasn't disappointed. Because it was your last gift to me, I'm going to write it out here because I never want to forget any little detail of the last time you loved me as your wife.
I remember you waking me up and I rolled towards you and put my arms around me. You just sighed...relief? pleasure? I didn't ask you..but at the time it felt more like maybe both because I was welcoming you to me. I made a quick trip to the bathroom and came back and snuggled up to you. You made love to me and I was just really hoping it would last a little longer. But, you took the time afterwards to make sure I was happy. I remember laying on your shoulder, feeling your skin and warmth next to me. Then you got excited again! I was so thrilled...it had been a while since we could make love twice...but the poor thing went away. You told me I "stole" it..I said I was just trying to catch it before it could get away. You laughed at that. But somehow it came back and we made love again. And then I don't remember..I don't remember did we cuddle? Did we tell each other how much we loved each other? I just don't remember?
Your mother called and wanted to go to the hospital. I tried to talk her into waiting because we both thought she probably didn't really need to go to the hospital. I think for the first time, you wanted me to take her, but you and Tru went to take her (I felt like a bum). Robert was there when you got there and he took her instead. You guys came home for awhile and were going to go to LuLu's birthday party. I said I was going to stay home and clean the house and bake for the Holiday. You sat on your chair for awhile with your head down, kind of dozing. You looked so tired and I asked if you were sure you wanted to go. You said "yes". So, you took Tru and went to Karland's house and I started cleaning the house.
When you got back, I was almost finished and you were struggling with Tru to get him to lay down and take a nap (he had fallen asleep on the way home and woke back up when you got here). I wondered why you were fighting with him like that? But, you got him to sleep and I finished cleaning. When I was done, I asked you if your house felt like your castle again and you said "yes, thank you, it feels much better".
We were supposed to go to the drive in, but you said "Maybe we should wait and go tomorrow since we have church in the morning". I said "well, we always stay up late, but okay. We can go tomorrow". You looked relieved. I said, "Tru will be disappointed, maybe I can go to Wal Mart and get sand for his sand box and take his mind off it". You agreed.
In the meantime, we were trying to get Pastor Francis and his family's tickets to the musical in Branson straightened out. We were both upset that there was a problem with the tickets. He texted me at 7:08 p.m. and said they had gotten their tickets. You were so relieved at that and then you told me I should go on to Wal Mart so I could be back before Tru woke up. I went out to the sun room and when I came back in, you had put on a long sleeved shirt and asked me to leave the door open. I asked if you were cold and you said yes. I said it did feel kind of cold in here, but the thermometer said it was 72. It never occurred to me that you were cold because your heart was acting up! I said, "I better get going and turned around to pick up my purse". And then I heard you make a funny noise...like snorting.
When I looked at you, you had stiffened up in your chair, your eyes were rolled back and you were making that noise. I shook you and tried to get you to wake up. I thought you were having a seizure. You wouldn't wake up! I grabbed the phone and called 911. The phone just kept ringing and I remember saying "you've got to be kidding me". Then I got a recording telling me to hold for the next available operator. Holding the phone I ran outside and screamed for help, but there was no one around. I ran to Rod's house and banged on the door, but there was no answer. I was almost back to the house when an operator came on the line.
I told her to send an ambulance that you had a heart attack and I gave her our address. She asked where I was and I said I was on my way back to the house I was trying to get help. She told me I needed to do CPR. I picked you up like a baby and put you on the floor and gave you a breath. I started doing CPR. The stupid operator kept trying to give me instructions and I told her I was a nurse certified in CPR and just to send me help. She kept on with her instructions and I said "Lady, I'm already doing CPR, just get me help"...then she wanted me to count with her. I'm already screaming at you to wake up, praying to God not to take you and this women is wanting me to count CPR. I told her to shut the fuck up and get me help. Where is the ambulance? How much longer? Give me the ETA, I can't do this by myself forever".
Tru woke up and I told him "Popi is very sick and Mawmo needs help. I need you to go to the neighbor's and tell them that Popi is sick and Mawmo needs help right now" as he started out the door, I told him "don't cross the street, go through the grass and go to Shannon's house and tell Shannon to come quick". Tru ran out the door and right afterwards, the fire department got here.
The first fireman in the house headed out the back door and asked how to open the gate. I said "I'll open the gate, you take care of my husband". So, I went and opened the gate. When I came back in, they had cut your clothes off and put the electrodes and the defib pads on you. The fireman told me to go outside and I said "no". he said "ma'am, you need to take your son outside". That's when I saw Tru standing there. I grabbed him and my phone and we went outside. I knew you were gone. I knew by then that you would never come back to me.
I don't know how long they worked on you. It seems like forever. When they brought you out, I kissed your face and told you that I loved you. by then there were neighbors in the yard praying with me. Twyla took Tru to her house and then she took me to the hospital.
When I got there, they sent me to a room. Robert and Frank and people from the church were already there. when they finally let me into the room with you, they were still kind of coding you. I asked them how long you had been down and they said "50 minutes". I told them "stop...just stop". I knew that even if they got your heart to beat, your brain was gone by then. I walked over to you and said "Baby, I have to let you go". And I held your hand said the Lord's prayer.
Oh, my God!!!!! How do you let the person who inhabits half of your soul go? I didn't know how to let them take you, I didn't know how to let you go.
People were coming in to see you..your family and our family. I just sat on a chair next to you and put my head on your shoulder, on "my place" and held your hands. That's all I could do because I knew that it was my last moment to ever do that and I knew that it would be gone too soon.
After everyone had seen you, I asked them to take the stuff off of you. To take the tube out of your mouth. they had to find a doctor who was willing to release you so that they could extubate you. I just wanted to kiss you one last time. They finally got everything off of you and I covered your body with a sheet. Beth asked if I wanted time alone with you and I said yes.
When everyone left, I just touched you...I touched every single part of you. I tried to make my hands remember your feel, tried to commit to memory (as if I could ever forget) what you felt like. Finally, I was able to kiss your mouth one last time.
Betty asked me if I had a mortuary in mind. No!! I don't have a mortuary in mind...I have a movie in mind...a movie that we're supposed to go and see at the drive in. Who has a mortuary in mind when you've only been married 2 1/2 years? When your husband made love to you that morning? Why would I have a mortuary in mind?
She told me that I needed to send you to someone who knew how to take care of a black body. I looked at her like she was crazy. Then it occurred to me that yes, as a matter of fact you were black. How crazy is that? So, she gave the information to the nurses. I know she told me the name of the place, but it just didn't register (when I called her Sunday night I asked her "where is my husband" and she told me "he's in your heart"! LOL! I said "no, Betty, where did they take Michael"? She just knew I'd lost my mind totally!).
Teresa and Mac drove me home. I was in total shock. I couldn't believe that you were gone! Nothing seemed real. They stayed with me until Mom and Glenda got here from Branson. Everything was like watching it under water. All distorted and in slow motion.
Tru and I sat on the front porch steps and I explained to him that you had gone to Heaven. I told him you had a new heavenly body now. He said "Mawmo, can't my Popi come home now that he has a new body?". I told him no, that your new heavenly body was only for Heaven. I told him that you were probably up there playing baseball. When we went inside, he saw your baseball cap and started crying. He said "Mawmo, how can my Popi play baseball when he forgot his hat?".
The transplant team called me in the middle of the night. I was confused because I knew your organs could not be transplanted because you had been gone for so long. She said they could still use certain organs. She said they could use your bones and connective tissue and your corneas and eyes. I told them they could not have your eyes. Your beautiful, blue, kind loving eyes. All I could think of was that I didn't want you to be hurt. I didn't want them cutting up your beautiful body (The first time I saw you naked, I told you how beautiful you were). How could I just be talking about body parts being harvested when you were just alive a few hours ago? You were sitting in your chair talking about movies?
Sometime that night, I slept in our bed. I don't know how I slept. I don't know how I was able to get into our bed and sleep? But, Tru and I snuggled up and we slept.
We went out for dinner because I asked you to take me. I was tired from the days in the hospital, a full day Thursday of visiting clients and was just being lazy this day. We went to Ruby Tuesdays. I drank a whole pear/lavender martini! You asked if you needed to drive home (because I almost never drink a whole drink). In the parking lot as I was driving us home, I snapped at you about something...I have no idea what it was and it just breaks my heart to think of it. You said "you never used to let little things bother you". I told you that I used to have more than one hormone left in my body and that I was just tired and I was also very scared and worried about you".
That evening, you were in your chair and I was sitting in my spot on the couch playing stupid computer games and you came and sat down next to me. You asked me what I was playing and I explained it to you...it was just something you never did and I knew something was bothering you. I put the computer away and put my arm around you so that I could rub your hair (you and Tru had gone to the barber shop that day). You told me to stop because there were no curls left and it was driving you crazy. I said I still liked the way your hair felt even without the curls. I asked you "Baby, are you scared?" and you said "no". I said "really, because I think I would be scared" and you told me "No, I'm only worried about you". The rest of the night was so normal.
I took a bath before I came to bed so that I would be clean for you. I knew since your attempts had been foiled by the little guy, you would be trying again, and I wasn't disappointed. Because it was your last gift to me, I'm going to write it out here because I never want to forget any little detail of the last time you loved me as your wife.
I remember you waking me up and I rolled towards you and put my arms around me. You just sighed...relief? pleasure? I didn't ask you..but at the time it felt more like maybe both because I was welcoming you to me. I made a quick trip to the bathroom and came back and snuggled up to you. You made love to me and I was just really hoping it would last a little longer. But, you took the time afterwards to make sure I was happy. I remember laying on your shoulder, feeling your skin and warmth next to me. Then you got excited again! I was so thrilled...it had been a while since we could make love twice...but the poor thing went away. You told me I "stole" it..I said I was just trying to catch it before it could get away. You laughed at that. But somehow it came back and we made love again. And then I don't remember..I don't remember did we cuddle? Did we tell each other how much we loved each other? I just don't remember?
Your mother called and wanted to go to the hospital. I tried to talk her into waiting because we both thought she probably didn't really need to go to the hospital. I think for the first time, you wanted me to take her, but you and Tru went to take her (I felt like a bum). Robert was there when you got there and he took her instead. You guys came home for awhile and were going to go to LuLu's birthday party. I said I was going to stay home and clean the house and bake for the Holiday. You sat on your chair for awhile with your head down, kind of dozing. You looked so tired and I asked if you were sure you wanted to go. You said "yes". So, you took Tru and went to Karland's house and I started cleaning the house.
When you got back, I was almost finished and you were struggling with Tru to get him to lay down and take a nap (he had fallen asleep on the way home and woke back up when you got here). I wondered why you were fighting with him like that? But, you got him to sleep and I finished cleaning. When I was done, I asked you if your house felt like your castle again and you said "yes, thank you, it feels much better".
We were supposed to go to the drive in, but you said "Maybe we should wait and go tomorrow since we have church in the morning". I said "well, we always stay up late, but okay. We can go tomorrow". You looked relieved. I said, "Tru will be disappointed, maybe I can go to Wal Mart and get sand for his sand box and take his mind off it". You agreed.
In the meantime, we were trying to get Pastor Francis and his family's tickets to the musical in Branson straightened out. We were both upset that there was a problem with the tickets. He texted me at 7:08 p.m. and said they had gotten their tickets. You were so relieved at that and then you told me I should go on to Wal Mart so I could be back before Tru woke up. I went out to the sun room and when I came back in, you had put on a long sleeved shirt and asked me to leave the door open. I asked if you were cold and you said yes. I said it did feel kind of cold in here, but the thermometer said it was 72. It never occurred to me that you were cold because your heart was acting up! I said, "I better get going and turned around to pick up my purse". And then I heard you make a funny noise...like snorting.
When I looked at you, you had stiffened up in your chair, your eyes were rolled back and you were making that noise. I shook you and tried to get you to wake up. I thought you were having a seizure. You wouldn't wake up! I grabbed the phone and called 911. The phone just kept ringing and I remember saying "you've got to be kidding me". Then I got a recording telling me to hold for the next available operator. Holding the phone I ran outside and screamed for help, but there was no one around. I ran to Rod's house and banged on the door, but there was no answer. I was almost back to the house when an operator came on the line.
I told her to send an ambulance that you had a heart attack and I gave her our address. She asked where I was and I said I was on my way back to the house I was trying to get help. She told me I needed to do CPR. I picked you up like a baby and put you on the floor and gave you a breath. I started doing CPR. The stupid operator kept trying to give me instructions and I told her I was a nurse certified in CPR and just to send me help. She kept on with her instructions and I said "Lady, I'm already doing CPR, just get me help"...then she wanted me to count with her. I'm already screaming at you to wake up, praying to God not to take you and this women is wanting me to count CPR. I told her to shut the fuck up and get me help. Where is the ambulance? How much longer? Give me the ETA, I can't do this by myself forever".
Tru woke up and I told him "Popi is very sick and Mawmo needs help. I need you to go to the neighbor's and tell them that Popi is sick and Mawmo needs help right now" as he started out the door, I told him "don't cross the street, go through the grass and go to Shannon's house and tell Shannon to come quick". Tru ran out the door and right afterwards, the fire department got here.
The first fireman in the house headed out the back door and asked how to open the gate. I said "I'll open the gate, you take care of my husband". So, I went and opened the gate. When I came back in, they had cut your clothes off and put the electrodes and the defib pads on you. The fireman told me to go outside and I said "no". he said "ma'am, you need to take your son outside". That's when I saw Tru standing there. I grabbed him and my phone and we went outside. I knew you were gone. I knew by then that you would never come back to me.
I don't know how long they worked on you. It seems like forever. When they brought you out, I kissed your face and told you that I loved you. by then there were neighbors in the yard praying with me. Twyla took Tru to her house and then she took me to the hospital.
When I got there, they sent me to a room. Robert and Frank and people from the church were already there. when they finally let me into the room with you, they were still kind of coding you. I asked them how long you had been down and they said "50 minutes". I told them "stop...just stop". I knew that even if they got your heart to beat, your brain was gone by then. I walked over to you and said "Baby, I have to let you go". And I held your hand said the Lord's prayer.
Oh, my God!!!!! How do you let the person who inhabits half of your soul go? I didn't know how to let them take you, I didn't know how to let you go.
People were coming in to see you..your family and our family. I just sat on a chair next to you and put my head on your shoulder, on "my place" and held your hands. That's all I could do because I knew that it was my last moment to ever do that and I knew that it would be gone too soon.
After everyone had seen you, I asked them to take the stuff off of you. To take the tube out of your mouth. they had to find a doctor who was willing to release you so that they could extubate you. I just wanted to kiss you one last time. They finally got everything off of you and I covered your body with a sheet. Beth asked if I wanted time alone with you and I said yes.
When everyone left, I just touched you...I touched every single part of you. I tried to make my hands remember your feel, tried to commit to memory (as if I could ever forget) what you felt like. Finally, I was able to kiss your mouth one last time.
Betty asked me if I had a mortuary in mind. No!! I don't have a mortuary in mind...I have a movie in mind...a movie that we're supposed to go and see at the drive in. Who has a mortuary in mind when you've only been married 2 1/2 years? When your husband made love to you that morning? Why would I have a mortuary in mind?
She told me that I needed to send you to someone who knew how to take care of a black body. I looked at her like she was crazy. Then it occurred to me that yes, as a matter of fact you were black. How crazy is that? So, she gave the information to the nurses. I know she told me the name of the place, but it just didn't register (when I called her Sunday night I asked her "where is my husband" and she told me "he's in your heart"! LOL! I said "no, Betty, where did they take Michael"? She just knew I'd lost my mind totally!).
Teresa and Mac drove me home. I was in total shock. I couldn't believe that you were gone! Nothing seemed real. They stayed with me until Mom and Glenda got here from Branson. Everything was like watching it under water. All distorted and in slow motion.
Tru and I sat on the front porch steps and I explained to him that you had gone to Heaven. I told him you had a new heavenly body now. He said "Mawmo, can't my Popi come home now that he has a new body?". I told him no, that your new heavenly body was only for Heaven. I told him that you were probably up there playing baseball. When we went inside, he saw your baseball cap and started crying. He said "Mawmo, how can my Popi play baseball when he forgot his hat?".
The transplant team called me in the middle of the night. I was confused because I knew your organs could not be transplanted because you had been gone for so long. She said they could still use certain organs. She said they could use your bones and connective tissue and your corneas and eyes. I told them they could not have your eyes. Your beautiful, blue, kind loving eyes. All I could think of was that I didn't want you to be hurt. I didn't want them cutting up your beautiful body (The first time I saw you naked, I told you how beautiful you were). How could I just be talking about body parts being harvested when you were just alive a few hours ago? You were sitting in your chair talking about movies?
Sometime that night, I slept in our bed. I don't know how I slept. I don't know how I was able to get into our bed and sleep? But, Tru and I snuggled up and we slept.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Learning to walk through grief
On May 26, 2012, I lost my beautiful husband. It was sudden (I was picking up my purse to go to Wal Mart. When I turned around, Michael made a funny noise and died!). I did CPR for almost 30 minutes waiting for the EMS to get here. It was a horrible, brutal thing!
At the hospital, after he had been pronounced dead, I kept saying "I don't know how to let them take him", "I don't know how to let him go". Over the past 7 1/2 weeks, there have been so many times that I've said "I don't know how to....". Most of all, I still don't know how to let him go.
I'm starting this blog to chronicle my journey through grief. I hate to think that there are others that have to walk through this, but I know that there are. Maybe together, or through this journey of mine, we can find healing. Maybe God really can bring beauty from the ashes of my grief. Maybe I really can heal and go on with my life?
At the hospital, after he had been pronounced dead, I kept saying "I don't know how to let them take him", "I don't know how to let him go". Over the past 7 1/2 weeks, there have been so many times that I've said "I don't know how to....". Most of all, I still don't know how to let him go.
I'm starting this blog to chronicle my journey through grief. I hate to think that there are others that have to walk through this, but I know that there are. Maybe together, or through this journey of mine, we can find healing. Maybe God really can bring beauty from the ashes of my grief. Maybe I really can heal and go on with my life?
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