It has been almost 21 months since you went to Heaven. The journey that I have walked in this time has been long and slow and hard. There have been so many twists and turns in this road. There have been good days, there have been horrible days and there have been days that just were. For me, the hardest part of this journey has been my journey of faith.
I would like to say that my testimony is one of constant faith. About how I stayed true to God. Instead, it's about how God stayed true to me. I'd like to say that in all this time, I never took my eyes from the Lord, but instead, it's about how Jesus never took his hand from me.
When you first died, I promised I would not be mad at God for taking you. I said that I needed to focus on Christ to survive it. And I meant that. I remember the day when it changed. I had tried really hard to make just one normal evening for Tru. I set the table, cooked what he wanted and sat down for dinner. The first thing Tru said was "you can't sit in Popi's chair", so I moved. He then continued to have a total melt down. He used his hands and ripped apart the meat that was on his plate, he screamed and cried and I ended up sending him to his room. I sat at that table and I yelled at God "Really? You thought THIS was a good plan? You took my husband and you say you LOVE me?" and I was furious.
Thirteen months and 7 days after God called you, He also took my precious grandson home to Heaven.
They say that Hell is the complete absence of God. I felt like I was in Hell. I was afraid of everything..sometimes I couldn't even move because of the fear..I just sat frozen in place. IF Heaven was real, I only wanted to go there so that I could be with you again. My eye was constantly on YOU, not on God, not on today, but on you my Sweet Husband. And I felt so alone. You were gone, my grandson was gone, my Saviour was gone. I was totally, completely alone in my soul, and I was in Hell!
As I look back on that time, I see that Jesus never left my side. He sent me beautiful, Christian women friends who would drop by and listen to me cry. He sent friends who invited me to lunch and dinner. He sent my loved ones to stay with me. He sent His church to wrap me and Tru in their unyielding love. I felt so alone, but looking back, I can see that I was never really alone. I had never been so loved! God had me and He never let go!
During that time, I never stopped going to church, I never stopped encouraging others to pray, to believe and to lean on Jesus. I KNEW in my heart that it was the right answer..I just had to get my head back, I had to somehow get the lies of the enemy out of my mind. And I knew that I was incapable of doing that myself.
At first, I read Christian fiction. Stories based on the Bible about the days that Jesus walked the earth. I read over and over about the crucifixion and resurrection and cried each and every time I read about what Jesus sacrificed for me. I wanted to go back and KNOW Jesus. And I prayed. Sometimes, all I could do was say the Lord's Prayer and ask God to restore my faith!
Before you died, I had felt God so close and so near. He had blessed me beyond my wildest dreams. I had a happy marriage with a man I simply adored, Our children were doing well, we had a nice home, we had a church we loved, my business was going well. And I often felt like I could just reach out and touch God. I wanted that back. It wasn't the blessings I wanted back so badly (although that would be nice), but more than anything, I wanted that closeness to God. I wanted to FEEL Him, I wanted to love him and feel loved by Him.
Because the God I love is an awesome God, because He is slow to anger and because He loves us so much, He hears our prayers. Because He is a Father, He doesn't always give us everything we ask for when we ask. He wants us to learn to trust Him.
Slowly, ever so slowly, I have felt Him answer my prayers. And for the first time since you have been gone, I went to Church and I praised HIM. I wasn't looking for you, I was looking for God. I realized for the first time in a long time, that I wasn't anxious to get to Heaven to see you, my sweet husband, I was anxious to see God and feel his love surround me.
I will always love you, Michael, that love is as much a part of me as breathing is. But when you were here with me, when you were beside me in church, my worship went to Christ. God came first and you came second only to Him. I think that's the lesson that God wanted me to learn right now. I believe that He wanted me to learn He is still God, that He still sits on the throne and more than anything, that He will never leave me. I may not understand His plan, and I definitely do not always like it, but if I keep my eye on Him, He will lead me the rest of the way through this journey.
My prayer now is that God will fit me to His purpose, that my life will be a testament to His love and Mercy. That my testimony will not be about MY faith, but about God's faithfulness.
I don't know how much longer I will have to walk this journey, but one thing I know..I will never walk alone.
I love you,
g
Psalm 23:
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. 2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. 3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. 5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. 6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.
