Today marked six years since we celebrated your "home going". Your funeral. Laid you to rest. UGH....so many ways of saying that six years ago today you were buried and I died.
I couldn't go to the cemetery on your "angelversary" this year because I went out of state to watch my grandson graduate from High School. At first, I almost chose not to go...I actually panicked at the thought that I wouldn't be here to sit at your grave on that day. But I know you never would Have wanted me to do that....so I went. After all, he will only graduate High School once and you will be there for eternity. I guess visiting on the anniversary of your funeral will have to do this year.
When I got to the cemetery, I saw there were cars all lined up outside the funeral home. I said a prayer for the family as I drove past the chapel on my way to your grave. When I got to you, I saw that the funeral would be taking place right in your "neighborhood". I decided to stay.
I sat next to you on the grass. The weather had cooled enough to be bearable sitting in the sun. I put on some music and just kind of lost myself in my memories of you. After awhile, I saw the Soldiers arrive in Uniform (they would present the flag to the widow) and the VFW men arrived to fire the three volley salute. The deceased was a fallen soldier.
I watched the mourners arrive. There weren't many, but they all looked to be so young. Was it a young man or was it an older man who was the father and grandfather of all those in attendance? I watched as they all tried to fit under the tent. I couldn't hear what was said, but I could feel it in my heart.
I was transported to that day six years before when we all gathered to say goodbye to you. The cemetery was filled with all the people whose lives you had touched. You were so loved by so many.
The sound of the gunshots shook me from my memories and I saluted this fellow soldier. I cried at the mournful sound of the bugler playing taps. And I prayed. I prayed for this new widow.
I prayed that this widow would find comfort and peace as she grieved. I prayed that she would find understanding from those around her and that they would be patient with her. I prayed that she would know when it was time to start taking care of herself again. That she would know that even though she needed to grieve to heal, that she also needed to take care of herself. I prayed that she would not be dead while she was still alive.
You see, I know that I died with you that day. The person I was went with you. I let her go, willingly. My biggest mistake was in not fighting to live. I just quit that day. I quit taking care of myself. I quit trying to make myself get up and move. I quit remembering that I was important too...that I still had a life to finish.
I think that it's so common for widows to give up. Grief is hard. But, grief itself can become a comfort. I'm comfortable with grieving. It's like an old friend. The only thing it requires of me is to be miserable. I don't have to take any chances. There is no rejection in grief. There is no hope, so there is no disappointment. We confuse "grieving" with "loving". We will never stop loving our spouses, but somehow, we have to learn to stop grieving. I have grieved too long. And yet, I have no idea how to turn lose.
My grief has ruined my body. I don't mean I no longer look good in a swimsuit....I mean, my body no longer functions properly because I neglected myself so badly. The weight I gained, coupled with scar tissue from an old surgery, literally pulled my vertebra out of alignment and I can barely walk or stand without pain. The day you died, I was power washing the deck and climbing on ladders....now I am riding in a cart at the grocery store.
My grief has aged me. I look at my pictures from only 6 years ago and then look at my face and I've aged 15 years! My grief has taken my joy. My grief has made me an angry person. My grief has made me question my faith. My grief has made me less tolerant. My grief has kept me from living. My grief has allowed me to be dead while I'm still alive.
I prayed that this new widow would not grieve too long. I prayed that she would open her heart and allow herself to love and be loved again. I prayed that she would take control of her sadness and fight against it!
I have watched as some of my widow friends have accomplished great things since their husband's and wives died. Some have gotten college degrees, started businesses, found new love, gotten married, had babies. Some have traveled, started new careers, raised children. I am just so amazed by their strength. They give me hope and joy. They are living!!!
The mourners left the grave site a few at a time and the widow, carrying her flag, slowly left her life behind to go and begin her life anew.
I pray that she will not be dead while she is still alive.
