For some reason, I just haven't been able to write to you for a while. I think about it all the time, think about what I want to say to you, but I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it. It's been one and a half years since you went to Heaven. Oh, my goodness, it seems like an eternity when I say that, but it feels like it has just been one very long day. So much has happened in this year and a half and with each important (and less important) event, I just want to talk to you about it.
Grief has surprised me. Even though I have lost loved ones and have grieved for them, I have never experienced it like this. I thought that after 3 months, or 6 months, or a year that I would've gone back to "normal". Now I know, there will never be that "normal" again. What happens is you adjust. You wake up one day and you feel different. For a minute or two you can't quite place it. Then it dawns on you, you feel happy! Your body feels lighter and you have some energy. It doesn't last for long, but you know there's hope because for just a moment, you felt happy again.
Another thing that has surprised me Michael, is my ability to feel such pain and such love at the same time. I never knew that my emotions could stay so constant for so long, but through this past year and a half, the two things that have not changed is how much I miss you and long for you, and how much I still love you. It has surprised me that even though you've been gone for so long, my love has not lessened even a little bit. I still love you with the same intensity that I loved you on the day you died.
The Holidays are here again, Sweetie. This is the second Thanksgiving that I've had without you. Last year was so painful. I was still suffering so much. This year, I actually have started looking forward to cooking the turkey, putting out the decorations, planning for Christmas. This year, I WANT to smile. I want to make happy memories for Tru and the rest of the kids and grandkids. Don't get me wrong, Michael. It is not without pain or struggle, but it is with great determination!
It has been Thanksgiving day for 28 minutes now. I am choosing to be thankful, Michael. I am thankful that I have a home that is safe and warm to raise Tru in. I'm thankful that I have family that have held my hand through not just the hard times, but through the good times too. I'm thankful that I'm healthy and that we have a kitchen full of food. I'm thankful for my wonderful friends. I'm thankful that I live in a country where I can worship God without fear of persecution. I'm thankful for the love that I still have in my life. And Sweetie, I'm so very thankful for the time that I had with you. Our time was short, Michael, but it was enough. It was enough to last my lifetime. It was enough to show me that true love really does exist. It was enough that I will always feel you with me. Our time was short, our time wasn't enough, but Baby, our love was enough.
So, today I will give thanks for all God's blessings and I will pray for those who are just starting out on this journey of grief. I pray that they will know that the smiles will come again. That they will believe that the pain will become less and the memories will linger.
I love you, Baby Boy. I love you with all my heart. Happy Thanksgiving, Michael.
1 Chronicles 16:34
Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever.
