My Dear, Sweet Michael,
It's been 3 years and 8 1/2 months since I last saw your beautiful face. How do I even begin to tell you all that these years have been? There's been heart ache, there's been laughter, There have been more births and there have been more deaths. I have made friends, lost friends, been a friend and sometimes not.
I have changed in this time Michael. In some ways I have lost parts of me. You took those parts with you. I've also gained parts that I never knew I was capable of having. The biggest surprise was that I survived the loss of you. I never thought I was strong enough to survive something like this...but, here I am. I'm still alive. I'm still raising children and trying to be the woman that God created me to be.
Baby, when you were alive, you were my everything. And for so many years since you've been gone, you remained my everything. In my heart, I was still your wife. Somewhere inside of me, I think I have held on to the belief that you will come home again...that I will wake up and you will be back and you will say "wow..you waited for me all these years...you really did love me, didn't you"?
The truth is, Michael, you won't be coming back. It hurts even now to admit that to myself. You really aren't coming home again. I still believe that I will hold you again in Heaven, but you will never join me in this life again. From the day I married you, I fulfilled my wedding vows in every way, every day. I honored those vows not only until death parted us, but for all these years since then.
There have been times I was lonely....so very, very lonely. But, even in my loneliness, it felt as if I would somehow be cheating if I were to move forward in my life. To even entertain the thought of loving someone again. For allowing another person to be in my life. It hurt me to the core of my soul to think about.
The thing is, Michael, when you left, the love I had for you didn't leave. I am as in love with you today as I was the day you married me. I was left here on this earth, still loving, still wanting to be loved. I was left here on this earth with all the needs of a living woman..but without the husband who was meant to fulfill those needs.
So many times, friends and family have encouraged me to move on. To stop grieving. Stop wasting my life, but like the Bible says "for everything, there is a season". I had to wait until my season.
It's such a strange and confusing place I find myself in, Michael. Trying to tell my heart that it's okay to love one man with everything in me, and yet telling myself that it's okay to make room in my heart to love someone else. It kind of goes against everything I ever believed in. So, I'm trying to re adjust my feelings, trying to wrap my mind around it all.
I have recently begun to date. It's so scary, Baby! I'm middle aged, over-weight, a single parent and a grieving widow! Wow! What a resume for a potential date! LOL! I worry about getting hurt, I worry about how to fit the children into a dating situation, I worry about bringing someone into our home and I worry if they would be good to the kids? Is there even a man out there that can measure up to the very high standards that you have set?
No one can ever take your place, Michael. You will always be the love of my life. I will never forget you or stop loving you...ever! But, Baby, I've got to admit..it feels good to have someone hold my hand. It's nice to have someone tell me that I'm beautiful, to put their arm around me. It's been so many years since I've known what it was like to have someone sit close to me. To feel the warmth of another human being. And Baby, I have missed that so much!
I went to your grave on Valentine's Day. I covered your grave in rose petals and I talked to you about this man. I asked you to understand. I asked you to let me know that it's okay. I asked you to watch over me and our little guy and to guide me in this new and scary world.
And even as I try to move forward, there are days that moving forward brings back those waves of grief. It brings back the anger of losing you...because I shouldn't even have to be concerning myself with this..I found my forever guy, and that was supposed to be for the rest of my life!
But, I've had 3 years and 8 1/2 months of practice surviving those waves. I've learned to swim, Baby! And so I pick myself up, dry myself off and take one more step into the new world that I have been thrown into. I walk forward believing that each wave washes away some of the pain and leaves just a little more healing in it's place.
Help me through this, Michael. And always know that I'll never forget you.
I love you, Baby Boy.
g
