August 29, 2009 7:00 PM. I take my uncle by the arm, tears streaming down my face. The doors open and I walk in. I'm wearing a dress I designed from the description you gave me of how you imagined I would look on our wedding day. The music is playing..Angels brought me here by Guy Sebastian. Our friends, family and loved ones are seated in white fabric covered chairs. Chinese lanterns hang from the ceiling and glow with soft light. The pastor (my brother in law) stands at the head of the aisle. But, all I see is you. My beautiful, handsome love who is about to become my husband. I feel like God has blessed me among all women. You are the man I have waited 50 years to find.
August 29, 2012 7:00 PM. I spread the quilt on the ground, light the candles and start the music playing. The night is warm, but finally starting to cool as the sun goes down. I have a picnic basket and have brought a bottle of chilled champagne that we saved from our wedding. Three long stemmed red roses from me for our third anniversary and a pink one from your little side kick, Tru.
A deer runs out of the woods for just a minute and stops to gaze at me. Finding me uninteresting, he darts back into the woods. The deer are getting braver because the drought has killed the vegetation. They come looking for food. A jogger runs slowly down the road and looks at me like I'm the strangest person he's ever seen or maybe he sees me as an apparition.
I stop for a moment and just try to breathe. I have dreaded this moment for the last three months. I fill two glasses with champagne and toast you and me and our marriage. My new laptop is playing songs from our wedding and Old School Soul. Smokey Robinson, Patti LaBelle, Marvin Gaye. All the songs that we have danced to. The songs that we listened to, snuggled up like two kittens, holding hands and gazing into each others eyes.
I lay down on the blanket and look at the clouds in the sky. The sunset is spectacular. Sun beams radiate out from the sinking sun. The first pinks of dusk are starting to show. Soft clouds float across the sky. Right above me is a cloud that looks just like you. I see your face so plainly..your young face..the one I've only seen in pictures. It doesn't fade and change into other shapes. The clouds around it are moving, but the "Michael Cloud" doesn't move. Your arm is raised in a toast. I lay still, afraid if I move or breathe, the cloud will be gone. I close my eyes for just a moment and the cloud has faded into wisps of white fluff.
It's getting dark and I know that you don't like me to be out after dark. But, one last song. "Our Song" the one we first danced to. The one that we danced to at our wedding. "I love your face" by Smokey. I stand up and close my eyes. I feel the grass and the bumpy ground with my bare feet. I raise my arms and I dance with you. I can feel you so warm and so wonderful in my arms. I can feel the softness of your skin as I kiss you on the neck. I hear you whisper "just look at me G, and keep dancing". The tears fill my eyes and I dance..the finale, the turns, arms up, and bring my hands down the side of your face perfectly as smokey says "I love your face" for the very last time.
I slowly gather up the blankets, glasses and champagne bottle. I blow out the candles, but I play one more song "We saved the best for last" by Kenny G. I tied the cross I brought you to the roses and leave the champagne glass there with them. The tears come more freely now because I know that I have to leave you here. As I walk away, I turn to look at your grave one last time and to say "Happy Anniversary, Baby Boy". It's been the best three years of my life.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Empty Home Coming
Teresa and I took our little guy and her grandson and we went camping. Can you even imagine? Two old ladies and 2 little boys. We drove past the hotel where we spent our honeymoon. Past the place where we had dinner, past the historic street where we walked hand in hand and bought wine and stopped to look in the little shops.
We drove 5 hours to a rented cabin at JellyStone Park. We camped, we played mini golf, swam and I made one heck of a campfire to roast marshmallows on. Yogi came to our campsite and gave Tru and Tylor balloons and cookies. Tru let his balloon float into the air because he was sending it to you in Heaven.
Last night I felt you so near me that it took my breath away. It just over whelmed me with your realness. I could feel the way you would put your hand on my hip and scoot up next to me. Spooning with me. I could feel every part of you. I felt the panic over taking me and I had to push it away...push the thoughts of you away from my mind before I was engulfed in the pain, before I found myself in a rented cabin miles from home and sobbing uncontrollably.
We came home today and the closer we got, the further you seemed away. The reality of you being gone, of no one being there to even care when or if we got home, loomed larger and larger with each passing mile. I dreaded our empty home and the absence of you. It's such a lonely feeling to know that there is no one who anticipates your arrival. No one to tell all our adventures to. No one who cares. No one to help carry the suitcases up the stairs.
Today was the 3 months anniversary of your death. That's 1/4 of a year! A Fourth of a year, Michael! Do you know how long that is when you're missing someone? When you have cried every single day for a quarter of a year?
Every day that I had you here with me was a blessing. I don't know that I always treated every day as a blessing, but in my heart, every single day is precious. Oh, Sweetie, if I could only have you here with me. If we could only do it one more time. I relive the nights when you would lean over me and kiss me good night before you went to bed. I would put my hands on the side of your face and look into your yes and say "I love you SO MUCH!". I think of the times you would tell me "I love you so much. Never, ever forget, no matter what, never forget how much I love you".
Tru wrote me a letter because I was crying with missing you. I had him read (because of course he can't write, but I knew he put his heart into it, and HE knew what it said). He read: Dear Mawmo, I love you very much and I will take care of you. I know you're sad because Popi is gone. Popi is in Heaven, but I'll take care of you". You always told him that if anything ever happened to you, he was supposed to take care of Mawmo for you.
For three months I have avoided leaving our house. I thought that it was because I didn't want to be further from you. Further from our home, further than I already feel. Now I know the truth. It wasn't being gone that I was afraid of. It was the empty home coming.
Three months, Michael! It's been three months!!!!!
We drove 5 hours to a rented cabin at JellyStone Park. We camped, we played mini golf, swam and I made one heck of a campfire to roast marshmallows on. Yogi came to our campsite and gave Tru and Tylor balloons and cookies. Tru let his balloon float into the air because he was sending it to you in Heaven.
Last night I felt you so near me that it took my breath away. It just over whelmed me with your realness. I could feel the way you would put your hand on my hip and scoot up next to me. Spooning with me. I could feel every part of you. I felt the panic over taking me and I had to push it away...push the thoughts of you away from my mind before I was engulfed in the pain, before I found myself in a rented cabin miles from home and sobbing uncontrollably.
We came home today and the closer we got, the further you seemed away. The reality of you being gone, of no one being there to even care when or if we got home, loomed larger and larger with each passing mile. I dreaded our empty home and the absence of you. It's such a lonely feeling to know that there is no one who anticipates your arrival. No one to tell all our adventures to. No one who cares. No one to help carry the suitcases up the stairs.
Today was the 3 months anniversary of your death. That's 1/4 of a year! A Fourth of a year, Michael! Do you know how long that is when you're missing someone? When you have cried every single day for a quarter of a year?
Every day that I had you here with me was a blessing. I don't know that I always treated every day as a blessing, but in my heart, every single day is precious. Oh, Sweetie, if I could only have you here with me. If we could only do it one more time. I relive the nights when you would lean over me and kiss me good night before you went to bed. I would put my hands on the side of your face and look into your yes and say "I love you SO MUCH!". I think of the times you would tell me "I love you so much. Never, ever forget, no matter what, never forget how much I love you".
Tru wrote me a letter because I was crying with missing you. I had him read (because of course he can't write, but I knew he put his heart into it, and HE knew what it said). He read: Dear Mawmo, I love you very much and I will take care of you. I know you're sad because Popi is gone. Popi is in Heaven, but I'll take care of you". You always told him that if anything ever happened to you, he was supposed to take care of Mawmo for you.
For three months I have avoided leaving our house. I thought that it was because I didn't want to be further from you. Further from our home, further than I already feel. Now I know the truth. It wasn't being gone that I was afraid of. It was the empty home coming.
Three months, Michael! It's been three months!!!!!
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Where is my God?
It seems like only yesterday that I was telling you how close and how near God felt. He was moving mightily in our children's lives. Our two youngest (grown) children were in church, were getting their lives together. My business was growing quickly. baseball season was here. It was as if I could FEEL God right there in the car with us.
It's not that I only feel close to God when things are good. I know He's been with me through so many difficult, hurtful times in my life. But, where is He since He took you?
I cry out to Him to comfort me. I beg Him to guard my mind and my heart from the enemy while I'm so vulnerable. I plead with Him to let me feel His presence, but I still feel so abandoned. I feel numb and empty and hollow inside.
I go to church looking for Him there. I cry when they play the music. I still feel you sitting next to me in worship..I still see you in your casket at the front of the sanctuary. That was the last place I saw your face. The place I kissed you, held your hand and lowered you into your casket and sealed it shut. I feel you there. I feel the pain there. But, I don't feel my Lord there.
Maybe God knows I'm angry with Him? I know that He's big enough to withstand my temper tantrums. I know that He loves me, but where is He? Has my pain so totally consumed me that there is no longer enough room to feel His love and His Mercy?
Yet, He sends me wonderful friends and even strangers to tell me of His love. It seems that whenever things are hardest, He sends me someone. He sent me Louise when I had the bacon crisis. He sends me Beth to hold me at church. He sent Sherry to sit beside me and pray. Just yesterday in the Office Depot store, He sent me a stranger. An older black lady that I felt drawn to talk to, and she prayed and talked to me about God right there in the middle of the store.
Today was a hard day. Today Tru started Kindergarten and you weren't here. I know that you would've taken the day off work to drive him to his first day. Today was an all day long ugly cry day. Today I felt as if I couldn't go on without you. The pain is crushing me. Now that the numbness and the shock have worn off, it leaves me with bone crushing, excruciating pain.
So, I cried all day. I gave up, I begged God for His presence and still, I couldn't find Him. I decided to go to the church to try to find Him there, but Bryan (our friend and handyman) came to fix some things for me and I couldn't go. I kept thinking where can I find God? Where can I find Michael? I wanted to go to the cemetery, but I knew that I would only find more pain. And, it was time to put on my happy face and go get your little guy from his first day of school
God is my Shepard. He is the great Counselor. He is my Comfort. He is a Faithful Friend. He is Teacher, He is Father, He is Protector. But, He also feels so far away right now and the pain of missing you AND my Savior feels like torture to my soul.
It's not that I only feel close to God when things are good. I know He's been with me through so many difficult, hurtful times in my life. But, where is He since He took you?
I cry out to Him to comfort me. I beg Him to guard my mind and my heart from the enemy while I'm so vulnerable. I plead with Him to let me feel His presence, but I still feel so abandoned. I feel numb and empty and hollow inside.
I go to church looking for Him there. I cry when they play the music. I still feel you sitting next to me in worship..I still see you in your casket at the front of the sanctuary. That was the last place I saw your face. The place I kissed you, held your hand and lowered you into your casket and sealed it shut. I feel you there. I feel the pain there. But, I don't feel my Lord there.
Maybe God knows I'm angry with Him? I know that He's big enough to withstand my temper tantrums. I know that He loves me, but where is He? Has my pain so totally consumed me that there is no longer enough room to feel His love and His Mercy?
Yet, He sends me wonderful friends and even strangers to tell me of His love. It seems that whenever things are hardest, He sends me someone. He sent me Louise when I had the bacon crisis. He sends me Beth to hold me at church. He sent Sherry to sit beside me and pray. Just yesterday in the Office Depot store, He sent me a stranger. An older black lady that I felt drawn to talk to, and she prayed and talked to me about God right there in the middle of the store.
Today was a hard day. Today Tru started Kindergarten and you weren't here. I know that you would've taken the day off work to drive him to his first day. Today was an all day long ugly cry day. Today I felt as if I couldn't go on without you. The pain is crushing me. Now that the numbness and the shock have worn off, it leaves me with bone crushing, excruciating pain.
So, I cried all day. I gave up, I begged God for His presence and still, I couldn't find Him. I decided to go to the church to try to find Him there, but Bryan (our friend and handyman) came to fix some things for me and I couldn't go. I kept thinking where can I find God? Where can I find Michael? I wanted to go to the cemetery, but I knew that I would only find more pain. And, it was time to put on my happy face and go get your little guy from his first day of school
God is my Shepard. He is the great Counselor. He is my Comfort. He is a Faithful Friend. He is Teacher, He is Father, He is Protector. But, He also feels so far away right now and the pain of missing you AND my Savior feels like torture to my soul.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Our bed and those sleepless nights
When you were here with me, you went to bed early and I went to bed late. You took Tru to bed with you. Later, I would carry him to his bed so that I could have you all to myself for a little while.
You used to tell me that you felt like we never slept together because I would come to bed only hours or minutes before you had to get up. Why did I waste those opportunities? Sometimes I would be so tired, but the thought of having to carry the little guy to bed, or needing to fix the coffee maker or pack your lunch, would keep me sitting right here...playing mindless computer games. But, I knew that you were there. I knew that I could come into the bedroom at any time and you would be there.
So many times, after procrastinating and then finally coming to bed, I would wrap around you, put my left hand under your t shirt so I could feel your stomach, and I would put my right hand on your head so I could feel your curls. I don't know why I did that, but it just felt right. I just wanted to hold onto you. Hold on until I felt safe. I wanted to feel your warmth and smell your warm sleep smell. I wanted to hear your sleep sounds. I wanted to hear you say "I love you" even though you were sleeping. And I would sigh like I had finally come home. I would thank God for the miracle of having you in my life. The last time I put my hand on your stomach was right before I sealed your casket. So, I stay up.
Now, I have times that I want to come to bed early (mostly out of boredom and also because there is escape in sleep) but I feel like a traitor going to bed early because I didn't go to bed early when you wanted me to. So I stay up. And because the thought of coming to bed and once again finding it empty is just more than I can bear most nights. So, I stay up.
I stay up playing mindless computer games, searching for friends on Face Book that can't seem to sleep either..searching for anything that will delay the inevitable. I stay up until I am exhausted. I stay up until I think I've used my quota of tears for the day. I stay up until I have a (false) hope that I can fall asleep.
I dreamed of you the other night. I dreamed that you were somehow back and you made love to me. I told you how I had treasured the last time we had been together because I thought those memories would have to last me forever. You just kissed me and said "Let's not talk about sad things now. Let's just be together". My tears woke me up. So, I stay up.
Remember how we used to come home from a long trip and when we got in bed, one of us would always say "I love our bed"? Remember how when we bought the house right before we got married, we prayed in the bedroom for our marriage. We prayed that our bedroom would always be a source of love, comfort and safety. We prayed that our bedroom would be a refuge? So, I stay up.
Your alarm used to go off every morning at 3:15. A week after you were gone, after your funeral, the alarm went off. I waited for you to hit the snooze button, but of course you didn't. Now, I still wake up every morning at 3:15. You used to get ready for work, get your coffee and come sit on the side of the bed (when we first got married I asked you to always wake me up to say goodbye) and you would tell me you were leaving and that you loved me. So, I stay up.
And I wonder, "will I ever sleep again"? So, I just stay up!
You used to tell me that you felt like we never slept together because I would come to bed only hours or minutes before you had to get up. Why did I waste those opportunities? Sometimes I would be so tired, but the thought of having to carry the little guy to bed, or needing to fix the coffee maker or pack your lunch, would keep me sitting right here...playing mindless computer games. But, I knew that you were there. I knew that I could come into the bedroom at any time and you would be there.
So many times, after procrastinating and then finally coming to bed, I would wrap around you, put my left hand under your t shirt so I could feel your stomach, and I would put my right hand on your head so I could feel your curls. I don't know why I did that, but it just felt right. I just wanted to hold onto you. Hold on until I felt safe. I wanted to feel your warmth and smell your warm sleep smell. I wanted to hear your sleep sounds. I wanted to hear you say "I love you" even though you were sleeping. And I would sigh like I had finally come home. I would thank God for the miracle of having you in my life. The last time I put my hand on your stomach was right before I sealed your casket. So, I stay up.
Now, I have times that I want to come to bed early (mostly out of boredom and also because there is escape in sleep) but I feel like a traitor going to bed early because I didn't go to bed early when you wanted me to. So I stay up. And because the thought of coming to bed and once again finding it empty is just more than I can bear most nights. So, I stay up.
I stay up playing mindless computer games, searching for friends on Face Book that can't seem to sleep either..searching for anything that will delay the inevitable. I stay up until I am exhausted. I stay up until I think I've used my quota of tears for the day. I stay up until I have a (false) hope that I can fall asleep.
I dreamed of you the other night. I dreamed that you were somehow back and you made love to me. I told you how I had treasured the last time we had been together because I thought those memories would have to last me forever. You just kissed me and said "Let's not talk about sad things now. Let's just be together". My tears woke me up. So, I stay up.
Remember how we used to come home from a long trip and when we got in bed, one of us would always say "I love our bed"? Remember how when we bought the house right before we got married, we prayed in the bedroom for our marriage. We prayed that our bedroom would always be a source of love, comfort and safety. We prayed that our bedroom would be a refuge? So, I stay up.
Your alarm used to go off every morning at 3:15. A week after you were gone, after your funeral, the alarm went off. I waited for you to hit the snooze button, but of course you didn't. Now, I still wake up every morning at 3:15. You used to get ready for work, get your coffee and come sit on the side of the bed (when we first got married I asked you to always wake me up to say goodbye) and you would tell me you were leaving and that you loved me. So, I stay up.
And I wonder, "will I ever sleep again"? So, I just stay up!
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
100 Daily Deaths
People seem to think that after the funeral, the death is over and the healing begins. But what they don't realize is that it's only the beginning of the deaths. Everyday, there is another death.
Today I realized I don't know where the main water shut off is....DEATH
I'll never go to the Peanut again......DEATH
I'll never freeze my butt off tailgating at a Chiefs game again....DEATH
I won't sit in the blazing sun in some podunk town watching you play in a tournament....DEATH
I'll never sniff your neck and make you laugh.....DEATH
I'll never put spray n wash on your "drars"....DEATH
I will never listen to you play the "tuba" in the bathroom in the morning.....DEATH
The handle in the master bath shower is broken, I don't know how to fix it.....DEATH
You will never sit in church and fan me during a hot flash......DEATH
No one will ever be in love with me again.......DEATH
When I'm late getting home, there is no one to call and say "where are you, G? it's late".....DEATH
During a birth, there is no one sending me text messages cheering me on........DEATH
I have to put together the pictures for your tombstone........DEATH
I will never dance with my husband again..........DEATH
I am no longer connected to your culture..............DEATH
I am losing who I was because of who you were.........DEATH
The house is a mess and no one cares or helps me clean it up.......DEATH
No one will ever call me "G" again..........DEATH
Sports don't play on the t.v. anymore..........DEATH
There is no one to take care of me if I get sick........DEATH
There is no one I want to dress up for or that will think I'm beautiful like you did.......DEATH
There is no one to go looking around when I hear a noise at night.......DEATH
There is no one to be proud of me, no one to impress......DEATH
Each time I spend some of your life insurance money..........DEATH
Each birthday, each holiday, every weekend........DEATH
No one cares what time I come to bed at night........DEATH
No one calls to wake me up in the morning........DEATH
There are no emails to say "good morning" or "I love you" when I wake up.......DEATH
There are no notes on my computer or on my pillow at night.......DEATH
No one fusses at me when I'm late because I procrastinated too long.....DEATH
My car is on empty, no one cares............DEATH
No one take my car for an oil change.........DEATH
I have to take the trash out on Sunday nights.............DEATH
No one cooks bacon on Sunday morning...........DEATH
It doesn't matter what panties I wear, or what I sleep in.............DEATH
No one will ever kiss me on the lips again......DEATH
No one will ever hold me, make love to me or look at me naked like you did......DEATH
No one will ever know me the way that you knew me...........DEATH
No one sits on the front porch with me and says "I love our life"............DEATH
I will never love another person the way that I loved you!..............DEATH
You thought you were "useless" because you couldn't do certain things with your pacemaker. You thought you couldn't even fold the towels right, but I didn't need you for those things. I needed you for all these things that cause me to grieve over and over as my list grows.
I need to smell you, I need to lean against you, to snuggle up to you, to argue with you, to make up with you, to be proud of you, to bask in your love. Those are the things I need you for. Why didn't I say all this when you said you were useless? Why didn't I tell you that you were the air I breathe? Why didn't I tell you that you were the blood that pumps through my heart? Why didn't I tell you that without YOU, there is no ME?
Today I realized I don't know where the main water shut off is....DEATH
I'll never go to the Peanut again......DEATH
I'll never freeze my butt off tailgating at a Chiefs game again....DEATH
I won't sit in the blazing sun in some podunk town watching you play in a tournament....DEATH
I'll never sniff your neck and make you laugh.....DEATH
I'll never put spray n wash on your "drars"....DEATH
I will never listen to you play the "tuba" in the bathroom in the morning.....DEATH
The handle in the master bath shower is broken, I don't know how to fix it.....DEATH
You will never sit in church and fan me during a hot flash......DEATH
No one will ever be in love with me again.......DEATH
When I'm late getting home, there is no one to call and say "where are you, G? it's late".....DEATH
During a birth, there is no one sending me text messages cheering me on........DEATH
I have to put together the pictures for your tombstone........DEATH
I will never dance with my husband again..........DEATH
I am no longer connected to your culture..............DEATH
I am losing who I was because of who you were.........DEATH
The house is a mess and no one cares or helps me clean it up.......DEATH
No one will ever call me "G" again..........DEATH
Sports don't play on the t.v. anymore..........DEATH
There is no one to take care of me if I get sick........DEATH
There is no one I want to dress up for or that will think I'm beautiful like you did.......DEATH
There is no one to go looking around when I hear a noise at night.......DEATH
There is no one to be proud of me, no one to impress......DEATH
Each time I spend some of your life insurance money..........DEATH
Each birthday, each holiday, every weekend........DEATH
No one cares what time I come to bed at night........DEATH
No one calls to wake me up in the morning........DEATH
There are no emails to say "good morning" or "I love you" when I wake up.......DEATH
There are no notes on my computer or on my pillow at night.......DEATH
No one fusses at me when I'm late because I procrastinated too long.....DEATH
My car is on empty, no one cares............DEATH
No one take my car for an oil change.........DEATH
I have to take the trash out on Sunday nights.............DEATH
No one cooks bacon on Sunday morning...........DEATH
It doesn't matter what panties I wear, or what I sleep in.............DEATH
No one will ever kiss me on the lips again......DEATH
No one will ever hold me, make love to me or look at me naked like you did......DEATH
No one will ever know me the way that you knew me...........DEATH
No one sits on the front porch with me and says "I love our life"............DEATH
I will never love another person the way that I loved you!..............DEATH
You thought you were "useless" because you couldn't do certain things with your pacemaker. You thought you couldn't even fold the towels right, but I didn't need you for those things. I needed you for all these things that cause me to grieve over and over as my list grows.
I need to smell you, I need to lean against you, to snuggle up to you, to argue with you, to make up with you, to be proud of you, to bask in your love. Those are the things I need you for. Why didn't I say all this when you said you were useless? Why didn't I tell you that you were the air I breathe? Why didn't I tell you that you were the blood that pumps through my heart? Why didn't I tell you that without YOU, there is no ME?
Friday, August 10, 2012
Where do all the tears come from?
Hi Baby,
Tomorrow it will be twelve weeks. Twelve weeks of missing you.
The tears come less frequently now. Maybe that's the body's way of self preservation? I'm not sure why it's so? I know the hurt is still there, the missing you is still there, the disbelief is still there, so why do the tears come less frequently?
But when they come, and they do come, they fall in rivers. I don't think tears are made in the eyes at all. I think tears come from deep inside you, from your gut. They bend you over, causing you to clutch your stomach in agony. I think tears pass through your heart, twisting just a little as they go. I think tears flow up your throat, cutting off your air, causing that deep aching in the back of your throat. And then, when your body is so full that you think you will never breathe again, they spill out of your eyes, your nose, your mouth. They flow with such force that they pull the sobs, the retching, horrible sobs from the pit of your soul so that you think you too might die from the effort of it all.
People seem to fear the tears of someone's grief. At the first catch in your voice, they change the subject (in a way that they think is ever so subtle) trying to get you to smile. I think that the civilians of the grief world believe that if they don't see your tears on the outside, that you must be "okay" (what the hell is "okay" anyway?). But those of us who carry this constant pain, we know that if we can just shed a few tears, it will be like letting the pressure off a too hot radiator. We think that maybe, just maybe we won't explode, spewing hot tears over everyone. Over innocent bystanders.
Loved ones, wonderful, sweet, supportive friends try to keep me busy. Try to make me laugh, get me to have fun (like fun is even remotely in my universe) and I love them for it. I love them so much and I know that they're the ones who have kept me surviving, but I WANT to cry. I want to have an entire day to myself to just cry and cry and cry. I want to order pizza and chocolate and spend the day in my pajamas, watching sad tear jerker chick flicks and cry until I can't cry anymore. I want to cry until I believe that you're really not coming home. I want to cry until I can accept that I won't roll over and find you on your side of the bed. I want to cry until I can pick myself up and go on, to accept that my life will be spent waiting to be with you again. Because right now, my heart still doesn't believe it, Michael.
Baby, I'm still waiting for you to come home. I love you and miss you so much.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Time, Technology and Tears
Hi Sweetie,
It's been 11 weeks today. Where did the time go? For the first time, I had to actually look at a calendar and count the weeks. I can't believe it's been 11 weeks since that most terrible night. In a way it seems like it was yesterday, and in a way it seems like it has been years since I last saw you. I still can't believe..my HEART doesn't believe that you're gone yet.
David and three of his kids came last week and were here for 6 days, so my time has been completely filled. I actually cooked bacon while they were here. You are never far from my mind, Baby. Even frying bacon, the memories of you frying bacon float through my thoughts. And as I was cooking the bacon, I wondered what happened to the days that you would make the bacon and I would make the eggs?For the last year? You made the eggs and the bacon. And I feel guilty because I didn't put out the effort, but let you do so much of the cooking. I guess we just fell into that...or did I let you down?
David put in a security light in the back yard. He also installed security cameras. Very high tech. I can sit on the couch and see if a car comes down the street, who is at the door and I can watch Tru play in the back yard. I also had the alarm system upgraded. Each of those things I thought would make me feel safer. But, they don't. I don't feel as safe sitting here with all that and the new back door, as I did when you were laying in our bed sleeping. I miss you so much.
I actually went a whole day without crying. Then I felt guilty that I hadn't cried that day and I was worried that you would think I don't still love you, or that I "got over it quickly"? Then in the shower, the ugly cry came. I just try not to let myself think about it, Baby. I am trying to survive...a moment at a time.
Tru talks about missing you more and more. He remembers the things you gave him for certain occasions. He sleeps in the middle of the bed like he's leaving space for you to sleep. And somehow the days melt one into the other and we've both survived. I like to think that you can see us from Heaven and that it makes you happy to see us survive?
We cleaned your man cave today. I remember when I started decorating it and I texted you pictures as I progressed. You were so proud of your man cave. We didn't spend much time there, but it was YOURS and you loved it when your friends would come over and you could take them down there to watch a game or just hang out.
Kaetlyn came home from Africa and she's been here the past couple of days. I was talking to her today about the amazing ways that God worked in our relationship and in our lives. She said that our marriage was such a testimony to God's goodness. As we talked, I realized that even though you left after such a short time, I'm content. I'm content knowing that I have been truly loved. I'm content that I had a wonderful marriage and I feel no need to find another person. I had my person. God may change my heart, but if not, Baby, you were enough. You were enough for always.
I'm going to try to go to church tomorrow. Tru and I are in such a horrible habit of staying up late, sleeping late and missing everything. I have to try to get into the habit of getting up early. You could always get me up no matter how tired I was. Now I just can't seem to get up. He starts school in a couple of weeks (can you believe that?) and we've got to try to get up in the mornings. You know how much I hate mornings and now Tru has become a night person too! You would be appalled!
Well, I'm going to stop now. I'm going to go to bed, surrounded by all this technology and try to get up in the morning. I love you, Baby Boy. I love you with all my heart.
g
It's been 11 weeks today. Where did the time go? For the first time, I had to actually look at a calendar and count the weeks. I can't believe it's been 11 weeks since that most terrible night. In a way it seems like it was yesterday, and in a way it seems like it has been years since I last saw you. I still can't believe..my HEART doesn't believe that you're gone yet.
David and three of his kids came last week and were here for 6 days, so my time has been completely filled. I actually cooked bacon while they were here. You are never far from my mind, Baby. Even frying bacon, the memories of you frying bacon float through my thoughts. And as I was cooking the bacon, I wondered what happened to the days that you would make the bacon and I would make the eggs?For the last year? You made the eggs and the bacon. And I feel guilty because I didn't put out the effort, but let you do so much of the cooking. I guess we just fell into that...or did I let you down?
David put in a security light in the back yard. He also installed security cameras. Very high tech. I can sit on the couch and see if a car comes down the street, who is at the door and I can watch Tru play in the back yard. I also had the alarm system upgraded. Each of those things I thought would make me feel safer. But, they don't. I don't feel as safe sitting here with all that and the new back door, as I did when you were laying in our bed sleeping. I miss you so much.
I actually went a whole day without crying. Then I felt guilty that I hadn't cried that day and I was worried that you would think I don't still love you, or that I "got over it quickly"? Then in the shower, the ugly cry came. I just try not to let myself think about it, Baby. I am trying to survive...a moment at a time.
Tru talks about missing you more and more. He remembers the things you gave him for certain occasions. He sleeps in the middle of the bed like he's leaving space for you to sleep. And somehow the days melt one into the other and we've both survived. I like to think that you can see us from Heaven and that it makes you happy to see us survive?
We cleaned your man cave today. I remember when I started decorating it and I texted you pictures as I progressed. You were so proud of your man cave. We didn't spend much time there, but it was YOURS and you loved it when your friends would come over and you could take them down there to watch a game or just hang out.
Kaetlyn came home from Africa and she's been here the past couple of days. I was talking to her today about the amazing ways that God worked in our relationship and in our lives. She said that our marriage was such a testimony to God's goodness. As we talked, I realized that even though you left after such a short time, I'm content. I'm content knowing that I have been truly loved. I'm content that I had a wonderful marriage and I feel no need to find another person. I had my person. God may change my heart, but if not, Baby, you were enough. You were enough for always.
I'm going to try to go to church tomorrow. Tru and I are in such a horrible habit of staying up late, sleeping late and missing everything. I have to try to get into the habit of getting up early. You could always get me up no matter how tired I was. Now I just can't seem to get up. He starts school in a couple of weeks (can you believe that?) and we've got to try to get up in the mornings. You know how much I hate mornings and now Tru has become a night person too! You would be appalled!
Well, I'm going to stop now. I'm going to go to bed, surrounded by all this technology and try to get up in the morning. I love you, Baby Boy. I love you with all my heart.
g
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