All things pumpkin

Now is the season for all things pumpkin!  I LOVE fresh pumpkin.  There once was a time that I thought fresh pumpkins were for carving and making pretty fall decorations from.  The thought of actually taking a fresh pumpkin and turning it into anything edible was...well...frightful!  

Then I found out how easy it really is to cook a pumpkin and I fell in love with FRESH pumpkin.  All canned pumpkin is now forever forbidden from my kitchen.  As soon as pumpkin season is in full swing, you will find me at the city market dragging a cart full of pumpkins to my car.  I covet the pumpkins and usually buy them in bulk.

Now, let me explain..not all pumpkins were created equally.  There are those big yellow pumpkins that you see at the grocery store that make wonderful jack o lanterns....these are NOT the pumpkins we will be baking with.  What you want is a much smaller PIE pumpkin!  They have a higher sugar content and are well....more pumpkinny!  Those are the pumpkins we want.

I've had quite a few people tell me that they have no idea how to cook a pumpkin and turn it into something they can use in their favorite pumpkin recipe, so here is my pictorial guide.

First, get your pie pumpkin and cut it into chunks.  I use an ice cream scoop to remove the seeds.  You will then place your steamer (see the picture) into a pot with enough water to come up to the bottom of the steamer.  

Place  your wonderful chunks of beautiful, orange pumpkin into the pot.  I put as much in there as I can and still be able to put the lid on tight.  You want to steam the pumpkin, not boil it.  So, a medium to low heat is all that's needed.  Steam the pumpkin until a knife easily goes through the pumpkin shell.

Next, lay the pumpkin out to cool.

You will have plenty of time to do other things while your pumpkin is cooling (including just smelling that wonderful pumpkin aroma).  I decided to make some Greek chicken and paint the inside of my bake ware cabinet (cause yes, I'm just crazy like that).

So, once the pumpkin has cooled so that you can handle it, I use a serving spoon and just scrape the pumpkin flesh out of the shell.  It just comes right out (don't get too aggressive or you'll be picking pieces of the shell out of your pumpkin).  

Some people discard the stringy fibers, but I don't want to waste one bit of the pumpkin and it cooks up anyway.  When you have scraped the pumpkin out, you should have a shell that looks like this:  

Best of all, you will have a bowl full of wonderful, orange pumpkinny goodness that looks like this:

I then use my potato masher to blend it.  You could also use your food processor or blender, but I kind of like the little chunks of pumpkin.  

Now just look at this wonderful pumpkin!  It's ready to use in any of your favorite recipes.  I freeze it in zip lock bags in 1 or 2 cup quantities.

See how easy that is!  Once you use fresh pumpkin, you will wonder why you ever wasted your money on canned pumpkin.  Just look what I made with it today!

Pumpkin cake with cream cheese frosting covered in chocolate ganache!!!

Oh, and the greek chicken?

The Wedding Anniversary-widow style

Happy Anniversary, Michael.

Today is our 6th wedding anniversary.  I have officially celebrated twice as many without you as I celebrated with you.

I haven't written for awhile because, well, life seems to be going forward.  Not that you are ever far from my thoughts..just that, well, it's life.

I've worked so hard to get myself into a "happy" place.  I spent lots of time with the grandkids this summer, I've been working on the house, and I even managed to take a little vacation for myself...grown up style.  Oh, how I needed those days away from everything.  I had forgotten who I am when I'm not a widow, a mother, a grandmother.  I had forgotten that I can have real face to face conversations with other women and actually laugh out loud!

I feel like I'm finally getting my act together, Baby.  I'm being dependable, being "in the moment" (instead of in the past), I've been setting goals and accepting social invitations.  I've even started cooking and keeping the house again.  I've been busy reclaiming my life from that ravenous monster, "Grief".

So, with this anniversary coming up (as much as I tried to ignore it, I always had one eye on that calendar), I was determined that I would not turn lose of my hard won emotional health.  I decided that I didn't want to spend the whole day crying.  I feel like the little Dutch Boy with his finger in the dam-if I give just a little bit, I'll drown.  So, I kept my finger in the dam today.

I actually tried to pretend that I wasn't too concerned about it being our anniversary, so I painted (it looks really nice, but you would hate it because I painted the wood work).  And on the outside, I looked very calm and nonchalant...just painting....wiping up spills, dipping my brush in the paint, yelling at the dog to get his nose out of the paint bucket, but inside-inside I would find myself thinking "this time 6 years ago, I was having my hair and make  up done", "this time 6 years ago, we were delivering gifts to the hotel for our out of town guests", "this time six years ago, I was ecstatic at the thought that I would soon be marrying the love of my life.

For the past three anniversaries, I've dressed up, taken a bottle of champagne and candles and music to the cemetery.  I worked days on making the perfect flower arrangement.  I would go to your grave alone, light the candles, drink the champagne and cry.  Just flat out cry my heart out.  I didn't want to do that this year...I just couldn't, Baby.  So, I threw on some non paint stained clothes, grabbed your little guy, ran by Wal Mart (yeah, yeah, I know..you HATE Wal Mart, but you're just going to have to deal with it this year..it's beside the point)got some pretty white roses, grabbed subway sandwiches for me and the kid and we headed to the cemetery.

I used to feel so drawn to your grave, Baby.  I think a part of me kept thinking that I would find you there.  I don't know how many hours I've spent at your grave, but I tell people that I'll feel right at home when they finally lay me beside you.  I no longer feel drawn to that place...now it's become a reminder (as if there aren't hundreds of those every day) of what I've lost.  A place where we put your body when  your soul went to be with Jesus.  I feel you more here at home now.

Tru and I had our picnic sitting on your grave and then we cleaned your headstone and he went to put pennies on the graves of soldiers while you and I "talked".  I asked you if you were sad that I wasn't crying today.  I tried to explain to you how much I love you, but I'm trying so hard to survive in this world without you and if I allowed myself, I'd be right back in the pit where I've spent the last 3 years.  Then I turned on "our song" and I closed my eyes and I danced with you.  I just let the world go away as I held you close in my arms and we danced the way we did 6 years ago.  When the dance was over, Tru came running up and I asked him if he would like to dance with me and Popi.  He smiled real big and he and I (and you) slow danced to "The Dance".

Once again, I told you goodbye.  I told you that I will always love you.  That no matter what, never forget how much I love you.

As we got in the car, I swore I heard your voice in my head telling me "I'm sorry, G".  I know you are, Baby.  I love  you and I'll see you soon.  Just wait for me, okay?

And now, there are tears.

I Am Not Alone

My Dear Michael,

Today I have been widowed for one day longer than we were married.  I knew that this day was coming and I am not sure what it means?  It feels surreal, empty, sad.

When we got married, our vows said "until death us do part".  To  you, I said "I will love you for the rest of my life".  I didn't say "until you die".

Our life together was huge.  It was deep and big and it filled me up.  My dreams were fulfilled in  you.  And I remember saying "this is enough..for the rest of my life..this is enough".

As I look back on this time, both with and without you, I can't help but compare.  Those years and months with you were full of laughter and love.  Our love seemed to grow in ways that I never imagined.  There was a special sweetness, a sense of two old souls that had searched a lifetime for their missing hearts and were finally at home, complete.

We belonged together.  Our love seemed to fulfill a promise.  A promise that was older than time.

The time without you has been one of searching.  You both grounded me and gave me wings.  Since you've been gone, my heart has been like a bird trapped inside a glass house..trying desperately to take flight, but instead, banging against the glass over and over, in a futile attempt to reach the sky.  I have looked for you everywhere...in your letters, in the faces I see out in the world, in my dreams.  I have never stopped looking for you, Michael.  Because without you, there has been no freedom, I no longer feel complete.

I really thought that by now, I would be ready to try again.  To be open to finding love once again, building a life.  I really believed that.  I have watched as others have opened their hearts again and I rejoice with each story of  new love.  I've tried to date a couple of times, but no one else can live up to the legacy of love that you gave me.  No one else can be you, no one else is able to fill the space that you left.

One thing I never counted on, was that I could love you more deeply as time passed.  I thought that with time, our connection would be broken or faded.  Instead, I have found that it's become stronger.  I dreamed of  you one night.  You held me in  your arms and you whispered in my ear, over and over,  "Never let go, just never let go".

My grief has changed in this 2 years and 9 months.  The rawness has gone.  I laugh and I do things with our little guy.  I work and I also work hard at becoming "whole" again..finding happiness.  I pray often and hard for God to heal my brokenness.  To be healed from the loss of you.

My mom told me recently that she had watched her grandmother and her mother grieve their lives away and she didn't want to watch her daughter do that too.  That surprised me.  I thought I was doing such a good job at putting my life back in order.  The truth is, Michael, more than anything, I  understand how that can happen-how you can love someone so much that you can never, ever let go.

The love that I had with you was a once in a lifetime, bigger than Heaven and Earth love.  It was a love that can never be replaced or duplicated.  I don't know if God has something or someone in store for me.  I pray that if He does, He will open my heart to it.

But, Baby, if not, I know that what I had with you is enough.  We were enough to last me a lifetime.  And if the payment for that love is this grief, than it is grief well spent.

Today, as I was getting out of the car, this song was playing on the radio.  I listened to it until the radio shut off.  It made me realize that I'm really not alone.  You went before me, but you've never left me.  Three hours later, when I got back into the car and turned the radio on..this song was playing again, and it picked up at the exact point where it had left off earlier.  I am not alone.