Forgiving God

Dear Michael,

So many times I have wished that my walk with the Lord could be one of ever deepening faith, peace, and surety.  That when I reach "that point" in my faith, the point where I feel the nearness of Christ, the point where my faith is absolute, I wish that I could stay there.  Stay in His shelter, stay in His light.

But I have had a tumultuous walk with my Savior.  My faith has grown by leaps and bounds only to be crushed upon the rocks on the shore.  I have loved and trusted deeply and I have doubted and drifted too.  I have loved Him and I have been so angry at Him that I couldn't bear to think of trusting Him with the most trivial matter, because He had let me down once too often.

I have been so angry with God, Michael.  Tomorrow it will be six months since He took you away from me.  I have been furious. I have felt betrayed.  I had finally learned to trust Him with my relationships. I had trusted him to protect my heart, and He broke my heart harder than it has ever been broken.  But, even in my anger, I knew that I needed Him.

It's been so hard to wrap my mind around how God could do this.  How could my loving Savior have taken the one thing I had waited my whole life for?  How could He have given me my hearts desire, and only 2 years and 9 months later, He took it from me?

When I look back at my life, when I look at the pain, the loss, I can trace most of those hard times back to my own decisions.  And I take responsibility for making those decisions.  Those heartaches were not God's failing. Those things were of my own making.  Most of those times, I was living contrary to God's desires in my life, and the outcome could be foretold.  

But, what about when you're walking in God's word?  When you believe that you're finally in a place where you can best serve Christ, when you are praising Him and trying your best to live your life according to His covenant and you suffer anyway?  That's so much harder to wrap your heart around.  And it's those times, I believe, that test your faith more than any other.  It feels like God's cheating somehow...not playing by the rules.

And I have screamed "foul" into the Heavens.  I have told God that He is a cheater, a liar, that he betrayed me and hurt me and has a sick sense of humor.  And simultaneously, in my small inner voice, I beg, "please protect me from the enemy while I'm so furious at You, please, Lord, keep my heart and my soul and my mind safe from the enemy because I'm alone and I'm hurting and I'm vulnerable and scared".  And I convince myself that it's me (talk about a sense of self importance) that has the right to forgive God!

I am so very glad that I serve a Master who is big enough to forgive me, that has a sense of humor and will open His arms and welcome me into them when I ask Him to forgive me for being such a spoiled brat, for throwing such a tantrum.

Do you see, Michael, what a precious gift Jesus trusted me with?  He knew all along that you would come home to Him when you did.  And yet He trusted me to love you and cherish you in those last years.  He gave me this beautiful gift to love and to treasure.  He gave you to me.   He gave me 2 years and 9 months of having had just a glimpse of His unconditional love through you.  He chose me among all women to be loved by you.

But it's not easy to give back a gift such as you, a gift that was adored and cherished.  And because God is faithful and true, and He still loves me,He has opened my eyes through this, the hardest days of my journey.  Because today, He showed me something I should have already known.  Today as the church sang "How Great Is My God", He opened my eyes and said "Michael Fisher Lives".  Baby, He didn't take you FROM me, he took you TO Him!  Michael Fisher lives!  And I will see  you again.  Because Christ loves, because Christ died, I will be with you once more.

Today, my journey led me on a path that is easier walked.  Just for today, I can rest beside His still waters and I can lay back and look into the Heavens and say "There is my redeemer.  There is the one who loved me so much, that not only did He die for me, but he gave life to me.  Not only did He send me the gift of my beautiful husband, but he gave life to you abundantly, he gave life to you again". 

I have been on this journey for six months tomorrow, Michael.  It has been hard, it has been up hill.  I have stumbled and fallen, I have bruised my feet and my soul, but today there was a green pasture.  I know that there are more hills to climb, I know that there will be more pain and more searching.  I know that there will be more lonely nights when I search for you and for Jesus and I will think that I will never again find either of you.  But, I also know that even when I don't FEEL Him, even when I don't SEE him, the Teacher watches my every step.  He raises me up and sets me back on the path.

Michael, I know that you are with Him.  I know that you have seen the throne, that you have gloried in Christ in Heaven.  And selfishly, so very selfishly, I would want you to leave there and come back to me, come back to this flesh.  But, I love you so much and now I am starting to realize that I love you too much to hurt you like that.  I am coming to realize that I must learn patience and trust in God's perfect timing until He returns to take me to Him also.

Blessed be the name of the Lord, He gives and takes away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be His glorious name.