It's been almost 9 months since I last heard your voice or felt your arms around me. I have cried a million tears with the missing of you. My sorrow reaches deep within me and it seems as if it has no end. Even in sleep, I awaken crying out to God to please send you home to me. In all my life, I have known no suffering such as this. I mourn the loss of the life we planned, the life we loved. I mourn the love that I received and the love that I gave. And I see no end to this sadness.
Psalm 31:10, 14-15 "I am dying from grief; my years are shortened by sadness. Misery has drained my strength; I am wasting away from within. But I am trusting you, O lord, saying, "You are my God! My future is in your hands".
I am a woman of faith. You knew that, the world knows that. Being a Christian is supposed to mean that we have hope. Hope that we will see each other again. Faith that God has a purpose in all of this, even if I don't understand it. But do my tears mean that I have no faith? Do my tears show that I don't trust God in this? I know that there are those who look at people who profess great faith and yet lay sobbing in a messed up heap, and they must ask themselves "If her God is so great, why is she crying? Why does she suffer? If her God is so great, where is He when she needs him so much?".
I can tell you that losing you has tested my faith. Losing you has brought anger against God that is so strong and so ferocious that the force of it scares me. But losing you has never made me turn against God. Losing you has never made me question my salvation. Lamentations 3:13, 19-22 says "He shot his arrows deep into my heart. The thought of my suffering and hopelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The unfailing love of the Lord never ends! By His mercies we have been kept from complete destruction".
I know that God created my tears. I know that Jesus was a man of sorrow and that He too cried. I know that He catches my tears. I know this because Psalms 56:8 says "You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book". I know that my tears are precious to God. I know that my tears are a gift that He gave me. A gift of healing and release. Isaiah 25:8 says "The Sovereign Lord will wipe away all my tears". If God sees my tears of grief as being so important that He would collect them and save them, then how could my tears mean that I have no faith?
Even Jesus cried in grief. When his good friend Lazarus died, Jesus wept (John 11:35). The shortest verse in the Bible, but one of the sweetest. Jesus cried because his friend died. He wept because of the pain it caused Lazurus' family, he wept because death was not in God's original plan. He wept from his loss. Does that mean that the Christ had no faith? Of course not. So, if my Savior cried over the death of a loved one, why would people think that a Christian who is grieving should be above the very Son of God?
I don't think that being a Christian eases the pain of loss. I think that this pain is human and unavoidable. BUT I do believe that we grieve with hope. I do believe that to sorrow is Holy because Christ sorrows with us. I believe that in my grief, that God loves me so much that He is here, right beside me, catching each and every single teardrop, letting not one go to waste, that He wipes away the tears with the hem of His robe. So, yes, I grieve, but I grieve with hope in my heart.
Psalms 119:28-30 says "I weep with grief; encourage me by your word. Keep me from lying to myself; give me the privilege of knowing your law. I have chosen to be faithful; I have determined to live by your laws".
And here is my hope: Revelation 21:4 says : He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever."
And so, my beautiful, Sweet Michael, I will continue to cry and to mourn and to grieve. And I will wait for that day that God has promised us. The day when my tears will be wiped from my eyes and I will no longer cry over your death, but I will rejoice in our new life.
I love you so much, Baby. And I miss you with all my heart. I just have to hang onto God's hope until that day that I will see your wonderful face, hear your laughter and feel your warmth again.
This is one of my favorite songs. Praise you in the storm by casting crowns. Just copy and paste the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGPS8sa-bRQ
This is one of my favorite songs. Praise you in the storm by casting crowns. Just copy and paste the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGPS8sa-bRQ
Wow! This is what I'm talking about! Don't let your voice be silenced!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your encouragement, Gaye. I needed your little "push" today.
ReplyDeleteYou said everything just as it is and only another widow can do that. I lost my husband 2 1/2 years ago and I found my faith been tested was hard. I had been a believer for some years, yet, after my husband died, it was like I had to start my faith all over again. Where was God at that moment and the many promises in the bible about watching over us. I also found that many verses had new meaning because I could relate to them. Its a journey that we couldn't do without the Lord. Two of my favourite verses you mentioned are Lamentations 3 and Revelation 21:4. God is faithful. Bless you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteKaren, I'm so, so sorry that you lost your husband. I agree that this tests your faith and makes you question everything you ever believed in..if God is so good and has infinite power, why did he take my husband? If God loves me so much, how could he allow me to hurt so bad? I hope that at the end of this journey, even if I don't know those answers, I hope that God has grown my faith through this. I hope that he can take this pain and grow beauty from the ashes. And you are right..no matter how mad we may get at God for all of this, we absolutely cannot survive this without him. Hugs to you, my widowed lovely!
DeleteGaela, while I do not know the pain of losing a spouse I do know the pain of losing my health, my career , my mother and myself all in the last 3 years. Thank you for your incrediable words as I have asked myself many times even in just the last few weeks the same question. I have even shamed myself for my grief and my anger as how can I call myself a Christ follower in the midst of these huge feelings. Thank you for sharing your heart and Gods message that was laid upon you so that others like us can be reminded of Gods love for us and that he himself grieved as well even in all of his rightousness and goodness. I am not good with the articulation of my thoughts but you sweet sister summed it all up! God is so good and while we do grieve we grieve with hope and faith of a beautiful future and place with our Lord! My prayers are with you.
DeleteMel, I am so sorry, you have suffered so many losses! I think as Christians, people expect us to be less than human (and sometimes we expect it of ourselves). I believe that when the Bible says that God created us in His image, He created our emotions, our needs, wants and every single detail about us to be like Him. God took delight in us (He saw that it was good), he grew tired (On the 7th day, He rested). Christ cried over many things. He cried on the cross when He felt forsaken by God. He cried over death and in the Garden of Gethsemane. I really prayed over this post and it took me several weeks to get my heart in the right place to write it. I am so blessed by your words and blessed by knowing that you found comfort by reading this post. I really wonder how people ever get through something like this without the hope of salvation and rebirth into God's Kingdom? I hope that this post will give you the freedom to allow yourself to grieve without guilt, knowing that Christ is beside you, crying tears with you and gathering your tears in his jar. I pray that you find peace in your sorrow and healing in your tears.
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