This Thing Called "Loneliness"

Dear Michael,

For 10 1/2 months now, I have been alone.  I have missed you so much.  The pain of losing you has been all I've been able to feel.  The pain has been so big that it left no room for anything else.

Yesterday, on the way to take Tru to dinner, all of a sudden, from out of nowhere, it hit me-I am so lonely!  This is a new emotion.  I'm not lonely for company.  I've been so blessed to have friends and family around me often.  People who call me and check on us, people who invite us to different functions.  I have my wonderful widow friends on my support groups that have become like family to me.  I have people who care, Baby.  But, I'm so lonely for you.

The soul of our home is gone.  I'm lonely for the one person who "belongs" here.  I'm lonely for the person who I never got tired of seeing.  The person whose presence and personality was so infinitely entwined in the very fabric of our home.

Everything broke this week.  The furnace went out, the washing machine went kaput, my cell phone, the DVR and the surge protector, all broken.  I know these are just things.  Things eventually break, but for me, it feels as if the kingdom is falling.  Remember the movie "The Never Ending Story"?  Remember how the "nothing" was invading and the kingdom was dying?  The castle was falling all around the princess and our hero had to stop the "nothing"?  That's what it feels like when things break.  It feels like I helplessly sit here and watch the life that we built together slowly falling apart, and I wonder "when will it all be gone"?  When will I look around and everything that was "us" has disappeared 

When we got to the restaurant, after the wild chase through the buffet line (trying to keep up with a very excited boy), I sat at our table and looked at the table across from us.  There sat a sweet little elderly couple. They were sitting on the same side of the table, very contentedly eating their dinner.  And the tears just fell.  I couldn't stop them.  The loneliness and the unfairness just overwhelmed me.  That should have been us...that WAS us at one time, wasn't it?  That was you and me...so happy to just be together, that we sat on the same side of the table so that we could just be near each other!

You were bigger than life, Michael.  You were everything I ever dreamed of in a husband.  You were kind, and sweet.  You were a wonderful father to our little guy.  You loved our family more than anything.  You were one of the greatest athletes, some of your high school records have still not been broken.  You were my perfect dance partner, you sang to me, you wrote me sweet notes.  We had so much fun together, we enjoyed each other's company.  You used to tell me that I was a fun date.  And most of all, you loved me.  You loved me when I wasn't always so easy to love.  You held me up when I needed  you, you were proud of me, you made me feel beautiful and invincible because  you believed in me. You accepted the love I gave to you as a precious gift.  How can all of that ever be replaced?  How does a heart ever recover from losing the love of a lifetime?

I pray so hard, Baby.  I pray that God will heal my broken heart.  I pray that God will help me to be a better parent, that He will lead me on the path that He has set before me.  I pray that God will comfort me and that I can somehow find the strength to put Him first above my love for you, and above the pain of losing you.

I was talking to your mom the other day and I told her that I was trying really hard to live again, to get up and do healthy things and to try to find the purpose God has meant for me.  And she told me "Yes, you have to do those things, because you know, he's not coming back".  Oh, Baby, my head knows that, but my heart?  My poor heart is still so in love with you and just can't believe  that you are never coming home!

I am doing my best to stand on God's promises:
Psalm 38:9  O Lord, all my longing is before you; my sighing is not hidden from you.  
God hears my hurting heart.  He sees my tears and He loves me.

Isaiah 53:4  Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows;
As much as I hurt, I know that the Lord is bearing the heaviest part of my grief and my sorrow.

And most importantly, even though I'm lonely, I know that I am not alone:  Isaiah 41:10  Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I know that it's going to take the love and strength of my Jesus to survive this, Baby.  Because of Him, I have hope that I will see you again and that this loneliness is only for a lifetime, but NOT for eternity.

 I love  you and I miss you, Michael.

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