Who Am I, Now That I'm Without You?

My Sweet Michael,

We are coming up on the one year anniversary of your death.  I'm not really even sure how one year has passed in only moments?  I know that this year has been filled with pain, loneliness, hope, breathing and struggling.  It has been the shortest long year of my life.

I know that there has not been a single day that I have not longed for you.  I've missed  your laughter and your jokes.  I've missed your advice, your company.  I've missed you as a parent for our little guy.  I've missed your snores, I've missed the things we did together...so many, many things that we did together.  This morning I woke up counting the things that we had in our lives that I no longer have.

In the time that we were together, I knew who I was.  I was Michael's wife.  Being your wife was the highest honor.  I was so proud to have been chosen to live my life as Mrs. Fisher.  Every night, I thanked God that He had chosen me to be your wife.  The way I dressed, the way I took care of our home, the way I socialized, the way I parented, the way I worked, everything about me was directly related to being your wife.  And now that you are gone, who am I?

I am no longer your wife.  I am your widow.  When I'm in a social group, I am no longer "one of the wives". I can't talk about the maddening, funny, loving things my husband does.  I can only talk about what you used to do.  I can no longer join in the conversations of "well, I need to get busy before Michael gets home" or "I hope Michael likes this" or "I'll have to check with Michael".  I am a widow.  I am a widowed parent.  I'm no longer the person I was because of you, I am now the person that I am without you.

Somehow, I have to find who I am, not who I am not.

The Bible says I am these things:

I am a child of God
But to all who have received him--those who believe in his name--he has given the right to become God's children … (John 1:12).

I am a friend of Jesus
I no longer call you slaves, because the slave does not understand what his master is doing. But I have called you friends, because I have revealed to you everything I heard from my Father (John 15:15).

As a child of God, I am a fellow heir with Christ
And if children, then heirs (namely, heirs of God and also fellow heirs with Christ)--if indeed we suffer with him so we may also be glorified with him (Romans 8:17).

I am a new creature in Christ
So then, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; what is old has passed away--look, what is new has come (2 Corinthians 5:17)

I am chosen, Holy and blameless before god
For he chose us in Christ before the foundation of the world that we may be holy and unblemished in his sight in love (Ephesians 1:4).

I am God's workmanship, created to do good works
For we are his workmanship, having been created in Christ Jesus for good works that God prepared beforehand so we may do them (Ephesians 2:10).

I am a member of Christ's body and a partaker of His promise
The Gentiles are fellow heirs, fellow members of the body, and fellow partakers of the promise in Christ Jesus (Ephesians 3:6). (See also Ephesians 5:30.)

I am a citizen of Heaven
But our citizenship is in heaven--and we also await a savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ … (Philippians 3:20).

I am complete in Christ
You have been filled in him, who is the head over every ruler and authority (Colossians 2:10).

I have been chosen by Christ and am Holy and beloved
Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with a heart of mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience … (Colossians 3:12).

Baby, I may feel that I have lost my identity as your wife, but I know that I have not lost my identity in Christ.  Death was able to take away the things I held most precious in this life, but death will never steal my true identity.  In Christ, I am the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.  

I pray daily that God will replace the pain in my heart at being a widow, with the joy of knowing that I am a bride of Christ.  I pray that I can focus on all that I am because of Christ, not all that I am not because of losing you.  

You are my love, Michael Fisher.  My sweet, beautiful, wonderful love.  You fulfilled me and filled me with wonder and awe.  You loved me and held me up through good times and bad.  You always had my back, Baby.  Always.  And I know you have my back now.  I know that you can see me from that "Great Cloud of Witnesses".  

I am so excited to someday be with you again.  I long for the day that you will take my hand and say "Welcome home, G, I've been waiting for you".  But until that day comes, I will do my very best to fulfill God's purpose and to become who He created me to be.

I love you, Sweetie.  Always and forever.