The Thorn In My Heart

My Dear, Sweet, Wonderful Michael,

Baby, I am missing you SO badly right now.  When I passed that one year mark, I somehow felt "lighter".  I felt you nearer to me, I was feeling optimistic, making a plan. I really thought I had this thing whipped!  I was not prepared for the renewal of grief!  It seems to have come from nowhere, I just turned around and got punched right in the gut with it.

From the beginning, I thought "If I can just make it a year".  One year seemed like a huge amount of time.  I thought surely at the end of one year, I would be back to myself again.  So, I held on.  I held on to thinking that "time" would make it better.  That I would adjust and pick myself up and I would be "fine".  Now I know that "one year" is a lie.

I live with the pain of missing you, Michael.  I live with the sorrow, the loneliness, the frustration, the fear, of missing  you.  On the outside, I'm doing fine.  I stay "busy".  I shower.  I laugh. I work and I socialize. I do the things that say I'm handling all this.   On the inside, there is a constant feeling of festering soreness.

I think of the story about the Lion with a thorn in his paw.  I think about how he must have cried out when he first felt the thorn pierce his flesh.  He must've bled in those first hours.  I'm sure he panicked and tried to get the thing that was causing him pain out of his body.  I can just see him as he laid there, licking his wounds.  His sleep was restless,  because even in sleep, the pain was present.  As days went on, he accepted his fate.  He learned to live with the thorn in his paw, but it changed him.  He could no longer walk with confidence..the king of the beasts, he walked slower, he limped.  He lashed out with anger and his wound continued to fester.  I have to wonder if all the other animals in the jungle said "Hey, it's just a thorn.  You can get on with your life, learn to adjust"?  But, how was he supposed to adjust?  The pain was constant.  He saw no hope.  Eventually, in the story, someone removed the thorn and the lion did go on with his life.  He healed from his wounds and he learned to walk with all four feet firmly planted on the ground again.

When you died that day, your death pierced my heart.  For the rest of my life, I will never forget how I cried out in agony.  The restless nights spent tossing and turning only to awaken to the pain.  Somewhere along the way, I have learned to live with the pain. I have learned to survive with a broken heart.  A heart that will never, ever be the same.  Like the lion, I have accepted that this is my fate, and I pray that God will come along and remove the thorn from my heart.  I pray that my time of suffering will end, that there really can be a future for me.

But, Michael, it's so hard to look for a future, when all I want is our past.  Remember how we used to sit out on the front steps, and I would put my head on your shoulder?  We would look out at Tru playing in the yard, the neighbors waving as they jogged down the street and I would look at you and say "I love our life"?

 I look at the videos of us together, and hear you laughing, I see myself reach up and give you a kiss and you adjust my necklace, you put your arm protectively around me, and the look in your eyes speaks of how much you love me. We were always looking at each other, always touching, always laughing.  I see you sitting in your chair, telling a joke, playing with Tru, kicking my foot to annoy me.  I see our clean house, our well behaved child.  Our life....that was our life, and dammit, Michael, how can I even WANT a future without you in it, when I have a past where I was so loved?

I can't think of a future without you, Michael.  So I'm going to think of today.  I'm going to make a plan, a goal, I'm going to wash the laundry, take a shower, wait for tonight so that I can sleep and dream of you.  I'm going to dry my tears, catch my breath, try to not think about this thorn in my heart.  I'm going to just do today, Baby.  Because, Michael, it's all I've got in me.

And Michael, I hope that somehow you know that I still love you so much, even with this thorn in my heart.

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