Finding Me Again

Dear Michael,

It's sixteen months now that you've been gone.  It seems like a lifetime, yet only a moment since you were here with me.

So many things have happened since you've been gone.  I've celebrated two wedding anniversaries without you.  Tru finished a whole year of kindergarten and is now in first grade.  My baby had a baby, and then he died.  Your best friend lost his wife. One of our grandgirls got engaged,  I've attended lots of births.  The world has continued to turn, even though sixteen months ago, I didn't think I could survive one single day.

When you died, I lost myself.  I thought that I had lost all the parts of me that I saw in your eyes.  I was a mess.  All those days that I couldn't find the energy or the will to dress or bathe or even pick up the remote to change the channel. I lost my laugh.  I lost my ability to care about anything except my pain.  I gained weight, I no longer cared about looking pretty or keeping the house.  It was hard, Baby.  It was so very hard.  Sixteen months later, I miss you still...every single day, I miss you.

But somehow, I have survived!  I don't know which day it was,  or why it became easier.  The raw pain seemed to become a little duller.  I started taking showers again.  I started going out in the community more.  I started breathing a little easier.  It just happened.  Somewhere along this road, the grief changed from unbelievable horror to a dull aching pain.

God blessed me with so many wonderful women to help me along the way.  To fill some of the void that was left.  Women who share my pain.  Women who understand my words.  Women who are there in the middle of the night when the rest of the world is sleeping.  They're there with me because we share the fear and tears and laughter of  grief.  Everyday I'm thankful for my "Wild Widows".  They are the loves of my days without you.

I've also been blessed with wonderful friends in my life.  They have stood beside me when I'm sure that it was not easy to do.  They've mowed our grass, taken Tru on outings.  Our church has been such a boost to my heart.  Both of our families have stood beside me through this.  What kind, loving people God has sent to me.

I've learned so much through this journey, Michael.  I've learned my limitations and I've learned how far I can strech.  And now I'm learning to live again.  In the beginning, I felt like living my life was betraying the fact that you had lost yours.  Now I'm learning that you loved me.  And because you loved me, you always wanted me to be happy.  I'm coming to realize that this sadness and trading my life for one of sorrows was not the way to honor you.  That would've broken your heart. I'm also learning that the person you reflected back to me is still here.  You gave those parts of myself to me and they can never be taken away.

You gave me confidence.  You made me feel beautiful and sexy.  You made me the best me I had ever been.  If I give those things away, I give away the love that was your gift to me.

So, I'm taking better care of myself, Sweetie.  I stopped smoking (I know you must've thrown a party in Heaven over that one).  I'm going to the gym.  I want to be healthy.  I'm giving more of "Mawmo" to our little guy.  The one that he had when you were here.  The one that laughs and makes sure he has clean clothes and takes him to the park.

After sixteen months, I'm finding "me" again, Baby.  I may have lost the love of my life...but I have not lost the love for this life that God has given me.

And Baby, I want to feel pretty again.

I love you forever and a day.