Two years-does it ever get easier?

Dear Michael,

Two years have come and gone since you died.  It has been the hardest two years of my life, but it has also been two years filled with amazing gifts and growth and love and loss.

As I look back over these past two years, I realize that yes, I have survived.  I was not a willing participant in my survival-at least not at first.  But, somehow life and the love of friends and family pulled me forward one day at a time.

This has been a journey in faith...having it, losing it, finding it again.  It has been a journey in self confidence.  Yes, I lived alone before I met  you (when I used to tell you that I couldn't live without you, you'd ask "well, what did you do before you met me"?) but that was before I allowed myself to lean on a partnership and love affair that was beyond my wildest imagining.

Two years ago, I could barely breathe.  The pain was so deep and so intense, that it literally took all my energy just to breathe, to keep the horror of losing you from driving me insane.  Today, I'm actually finding my strength again.  Part of that strength comes from you, part of it comes from a place inside myself that I didn't know existed.

There is not a single morning that I wake up without you on my mind, or a solitary night when I go to bed without you being my last thought.  And even in my dreams, you are with me.  Sometimes I feel your presence so strongly, that I catch myself picking up the  phone to call you, or thinking that you'll be home from work any minute.  Sometimes, I feel you so near to me, that it's almost physical.

Death has not kept you from me, Michael.  It has not kept us apart in my heart, only your physical self is gone.  Two years of you being gone has shown me that love exists because it simply IS.  Death did not destroy a love that is so deep, so pure and so good, that it bonded us into one spiritual person.

I think that you would be proud of the things I've accomplished in this two years that I have spent in the desert.  I encourage the widows in my group to list twenty four things that they have accomplished in the twenty four months that their spouse has been gone.  So, I'm going to list twenty four things that I never imagined I could accomplish, to remind myself, that yes, I am doing this damn thing!

I love you so much, Baby Boy.  And, I am so glad that I will never have to say "goodbye" to you again.  I look forward to saying "Hello Again" and I know that next time, it really will be forever.

My Twenty Four Accomplishments  

1. I planned and lived through your funeral.
2. I woke up every day and put my feet on the ground.
3. I have managed to pay the bills and haven't had anything repossessed or turned off.
4. I have continued to attend church and make sure that Tru attends.
5. I started a second stage support group for widows that now number 96 members.
6. I have published this blog which now has almost 8,000 views in over 17 countries.
7. I have gotten Tru through Kindergarten and First Grade.
8. I have buried my grandchild.
9. I have cared for, and buried my brother in law.
10. I have attended the births of almost 40 babies.
11. I quit smoking.
12. I gained 50 lbs and have lost 12 of them.
13. I have handled family problems, kid problems and friend problems.
14. I have washed somewhere around 500 loads of clothes.
15. I have fed Tru over 725 dinners.
16. I have attended the funeral of your best friend's wife.
17. I have developed friendships with people who were strangers 2 years ago.
18. I have taken care of car repairs, appliance repairs and home repairs.
19. I have rented the farm.
20. I have planted flowers.
21. I have placed flowers that I arranged, on your grave every Holiday and special occasion.
22. I have taken Tru on a plane ride, a train trip, a car trip.
23. I have become a faculty member and educator for the world's larges childbirth organization.
24. I have loved  you every single day.       

So, to answer my question....does it ever get easier?  Yes, Baby, it does.....it's always there, the loss is always going to be there....but I think that what happened is, I have changed.  I have learned to live with the loss of you, cry when I need to, talk to friends when it gets hard, and to pick myself up and add to this list.