The Wedding Anniversary-widow style

Happy Anniversary, Michael.

Today is our 6th wedding anniversary.  I have officially celebrated twice as many without you as I celebrated with you.

I haven't written for awhile because, well, life seems to be going forward.  Not that you are ever far from my thoughts..just that, well, it's life.

I've worked so hard to get myself into a "happy" place.  I spent lots of time with the grandkids this summer, I've been working on the house, and I even managed to take a little vacation for myself...grown up style.  Oh, how I needed those days away from everything.  I had forgotten who I am when I'm not a widow, a mother, a grandmother.  I had forgotten that I can have real face to face conversations with other women and actually laugh out loud!

I feel like I'm finally getting my act together, Baby.  I'm being dependable, being "in the moment" (instead of in the past), I've been setting goals and accepting social invitations.  I've even started cooking and keeping the house again.  I've been busy reclaiming my life from that ravenous monster, "Grief".

So, with this anniversary coming up (as much as I tried to ignore it, I always had one eye on that calendar), I was determined that I would not turn lose of my hard won emotional health.  I decided that I didn't want to spend the whole day crying.  I feel like the little Dutch Boy with his finger in the dam-if I give just a little bit, I'll drown.  So, I kept my finger in the dam today.

I actually tried to pretend that I wasn't too concerned about it being our anniversary, so I painted (it looks really nice, but you would hate it because I painted the wood work).  And on the outside, I looked very calm and nonchalant...just painting....wiping up spills, dipping my brush in the paint, yelling at the dog to get his nose out of the paint bucket, but inside-inside I would find myself thinking "this time 6 years ago, I was having my hair and make  up done", "this time 6 years ago, we were delivering gifts to the hotel for our out of town guests", "this time six years ago, I was ecstatic at the thought that I would soon be marrying the love of my life.

For the past three anniversaries, I've dressed up, taken a bottle of champagne and candles and music to the cemetery.  I worked days on making the perfect flower arrangement.  I would go to your grave alone, light the candles, drink the champagne and cry.  Just flat out cry my heart out.  I didn't want to do that this year...I just couldn't, Baby.  So, I threw on some non paint stained clothes, grabbed your little guy, ran by Wal Mart (yeah, yeah, I know..you HATE Wal Mart, but you're just going to have to deal with it this year..it's beside the point)got some pretty white roses, grabbed subway sandwiches for me and the kid and we headed to the cemetery.

I used to feel so drawn to your grave, Baby.  I think a part of me kept thinking that I would find you there.  I don't know how many hours I've spent at your grave, but I tell people that I'll feel right at home when they finally lay me beside you.  I no longer feel drawn to that place...now it's become a reminder (as if there aren't hundreds of those every day) of what I've lost.  A place where we put your body when  your soul went to be with Jesus.  I feel you more here at home now.

Tru and I had our picnic sitting on your grave and then we cleaned your headstone and he went to put pennies on the graves of soldiers while you and I "talked".  I asked you if you were sad that I wasn't crying today.  I tried to explain to you how much I love you, but I'm trying so hard to survive in this world without you and if I allowed myself, I'd be right back in the pit where I've spent the last 3 years.  Then I turned on "our song" and I closed my eyes and I danced with you.  I just let the world go away as I held you close in my arms and we danced the way we did 6 years ago.  When the dance was over, Tru came running up and I asked him if he would like to dance with me and Popi.  He smiled real big and he and I (and you) slow danced to "The Dance".

Once again, I told you goodbye.  I told you that I will always love you.  That no matter what, never forget how much I love you.

As we got in the car, I swore I heard your voice in my head telling me "I'm sorry, G".  I know you are, Baby.  I love  you and I'll see you soon.  Just wait for me, okay?

And now, there are tears.