All I want for Christmas

Dear Michael,

I have given this a whole lot of thought and I've decided that I'm gong to embrace the Holidays.  I am going to do the things that either we didn't have time to do, or that I enjoyed doing that you didn't.  I'm going to go walking at the Plaza and drink Hot Chocolate..maybe I'll take Tru and Mickey for a carriage ride on the Plaza.  I'm going to go to Longview Lake and see the lights for the first time in 20 years.  I"m going to make a wonderful memory for Tru because he deserves happy childhood memories.

 I am not going to keep reminding myself that my husband is no longer here to celebrate with me...I have reminders enough as it is.  And I'm going to remember that I am celebrating the birth of my Savior.  I am going to celebrate HIM.  Because of His birth, I will see you again and see all the other's who I love so much that will be celebrating Christmas with Christ.  I will miss you, my sweet love, every single day for the rest of my life.  For the rest of time, I will have a hole in my heart that's exactly the size of yours, but I WILL celebrate Christmas.

I WILL decorate the tree and bake and wrap gifts.  I WILL play Christmas music instead of death songs for the Season.  I will laugh and sing and cry and scream.  I WILL pick myself up when the missing you overwhelms me.  I will beg God to send you home again.  I will beg God to take me to you.  I will worry about the budget, and spend too much.  I will weep at your grave.  I will send Christmas greeting cards.  Whatever I have to do, I will do it, because from the time our lives came together, I worked at showing  you how to love Christmas, and if losing you takes away Christmas, it will be one more loss.  And Michael, I can't stand another loss.

This won't be an easy undertaking.  But, I'm going to do my best to prepare.  I'm going to do my best to find things to laugh about.  I'm going to do my best to surround myself with people who are laughing (even if I have to watch Dick Van Dyke reruns) and I'm going to do my best to survive this.  To make a new tradition.  A tradition of celebrating Christ.  A tradition of celebrating the greatest gift that He ever gave me.  The gift that I will treasure more than life.  He gave me the gift of knowing your unconditional love.  And why, on this day when we celebrate the gift of God, why would I not also celebrate the gift that he gave me to hold in my hands, if even for a moment?

Like I said, this will not be easy.  As I sit here typing, the tears are streaming down my face.  I miss you every single moment, Michael.  Every single breath I take is labored with longing to have you back with me again.  I will still wish and pray that the magic of Christmas would bring you back to hold my hand and walk with me in the snow.  But I WILL do this.  I WILL love Christmas again this year.  Until death takes me, the Christmas of my childhood, the Christmas of my children and the Christmas mornings that were ours will always live.  Death and this separation will not steal this from us, Baby.  I promise you that.

And Michael, you've got to promise me that you will wrap me in  your arms, that you will ask Jesus to send His angels, because, Baby, I will need an Army to do this.  I have to find the strength that you gave to me when you were here, I have to find that now.

Because all I want for Christmas is you!