The Widows Guide to Survival (yes, you can).

Dear Michael,

Remember, before you left, how I told you that if you ever died, I would never survive?  I told you that if you died, you might as well just wait a few days because I was coming with you.  I really, truly didn't think that I could survive without you.  Then I looked at our little guy and I knew that I didn't have a choice.  I knew that I had to keep breathing and keep moving and keep living because I was all he had left.  

So, here I am.  7 1/2 months later.  I'm a little older, a lot fatter, quite a bit sadder, but here I am.  I'm still breathing, still surviving.  It hasn't been easy, and it's not something that I would ever volunteer for, but here I am.  Surviving.

Since you've been gone, I've met a lot of other women (and a few men) who have also been widowed.  Wonderful, funny, loving, hurting people who are trying to find their way through this just like we are.  Some of them have been on this journey longer than I have, some are just starting out.  I've also learned some things.  I've learned what it takes to survive, so I'm going to make a list here for the others who are just starting out on this journey.  A survival guide of sorts.

Survival Guide for Widows.

After the services, after the meal trains have run out, after the friends, relatives and neighbors have gone on with their life, the real challenge of survival starts.  Here are things you will need:

1. A really comfy pair of ugly pajamas.  This will be your uniform.  You also need a pair of worn out  slippers.  You will live in these.  It's nice to have two pair so that on those weeks when you finally decide that no matter what, you DO have to shower, you will have a clean pair of pajamas to change into.
2. A bottle of fabreeze.  Keep this handy in case company comes on a week that is not shower week.  When the doorbell rings, quickly spray all personal areas of your body with the fabreeze so that you don't offend your visitor.
3. Jeans in 3 sizes.  You will need your regular size jeans.  These will probably fit you for about 3 days.  You will need a smaller pair of jeans for about a week.  Initially, you will find that you may not be eating.  Don't worry, this won't last too long.  Finally, a much larger pair of jeans..elastic waist is best.  The larger jeans allow for the assorted chocolates that will become a food group in the weeks that are to come.
4. Locate phone numbers for local pizza delivery places.  Also, find and locate all buffets that are within a 5 minute drive from your house.  This allows your children to occasionally eat something that doesn't have the words "Captain Crunch" or "Cocoa Puffs" on the box.
5. If you have children, ask your friends to donate lots of movies.  If you're feeling guilty that they are watching too many cartoons, ask your friends to donate an educational movie or two.
6. Frozen pizza, frozen t.v. dinners and ramon noodle soup in case you're in the mood for "home made" food.  Remember to keep a supply of paper plates, plastic silverware and disposable cups.
7. The phone number of one person that you can call, anytime night or day for any kind of emergency.  Whether you need someone to listen to you cry, someone who will be willing to bring you chocolates in case you run out, or someone who will understand that right now, you might be a little 'needy'.
8. An internet connection.  In the middle of the night when everyone you know is sleeping and you just can't seem to force yourself into bed, the internet is always awake.  You can feel connected to the world without having to go outside.
9. A phone number for a good, general fix it person.  This should be someone you can call when the toilet clogs, a light bulb burns out or the dog gets ear mites.
10. An on line support group.  This has saved my life!  Find a group where you can cry, cut up, gripe and complain and just be yourself without fear of judgement.  A group of other widows that have your back, understand the widow language (I don't want to live without him, why did this happen?, I loved him more than life) and know that even though you may feel this way right now, you don't need mental health care, you just need to vent.
11. A sense of humor.  yes, you're grieving, yes, this hurts more than anything in the world, but darn it, you have got to have a chance to laugh. Sometimes it's really important to take a break from grief.  Laugh at yourself, make a joke about the 6 inch hairs growing on your legs, the sweaters on your teeth.  Just laugh because God knows you will cry enough as it is.
12. Something warm to snuggle with.  Grab a kid, a grand-kid  a pet.  If you don't have one get one (a pet, not a kid).  Everyone needs someone who will sit next to you on the couch or lay beside you at night. 
13. Something to believe in.  I believe in God.  I believe in Heaven.  If I didn't have something to believe in, I'm not sure how I would survive those days when I think there's nothing to console me, nothing to look forward to.  I look forward to the day that I will see my Sweetie again.
14. More than anything, know that you are not alone!  We each have our own journey.  Each journey is different, but know that there are other's who are traveling this road too.
15. If you have children, know that they are hurting too.  Your kids deserve a healthy parent.  A parent who will drag themselves out of their own despair and go to their programs, have conversations with them, love them and help them through this.
16. You need a good answer for well meaning people who tell you that you need "to get on with your life". I will occasionally ask "oh, so you think I should start dating again"?  That usually leaves them speechless and silent or stuttering.
17. We each have to find our own way in our own time.  Be prepared for those "grief bursts" those times when, out of the blue, the tears come.  The ugly cry.  Just know that tears are healing.  Even though it's hard to believe, God created our hearts to heal.  Take your time.  Give yourself permission to find your own way. You WILL find a way.  It's not easy, it's not without pain, but you WILL survive.
18. Mostly, my Widow Lovelies, know that you are loved.  Know that there are others that understand your tears, who know exactly what you mean when you say you don't think you will survive.  Because each of us has said that many, many times.  Just breathe.  Just keep breathing, keep waking up, keep going forward.

So, my Sweet Michael, I am surviving.  There is not a minute of any day that I don't miss you, wish you back here or look forward to the day that I will feel your beautiful arms around me, but I am surviving and I am raising our little guy.

I know it won't be so long before I'm with you again.  I hope that you can recognize me.  I'll be the fat girl in the ugly jammies.

I love you with every breath I take.
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