Lullabies for Cash

Oh, Michael,

Once again, my heart is broken.  When I lost you, I thought there could be no greater pain.  Losing you was one of the hardest things I've ever had to face.  But, Baby, "Our Girl" is suffering so much right now.  Watching my child grieve the greatest loss there could ever be, and being so helpless to protect her has got to be even harder.

I would willingly go through this entire past year of grieving for you all over again, if it would spare her one day  of pain.  My baby has lost her baby and I just don't know what to do?  When she was little, I could scoop her up into my arms and love her.  I could kiss her boo boos and take away the pain.  I would give my life to protect her, and yet while we all lay sleeping, her precious heart was hurt beyond reason.

I remember the last time Cash was here.  He was sitting in his carseat and smiled up at me.  I just couldn't resist that smile!  So open and big, it filled his whole face and made him absolutely irresistible. I picked him up and we "talked" for a bit.  He was so alert and attentive.  I held him while his mama folded clothes and he just looked and looked at her.  I remember telling her "this baby is so in love with you".  And he was...you could tell that he absolutely adored his mama.  Later, I told my child that it was almost like the baby was memorizing every detail of her face so that he could take that memory to Heaven with him.

When Tru got hurt, or was scared, you used to pick him up and say "It's okay, Little Guy, Popi's got you".  You would hold him close and he wasn't afraid anymore.  I picture you doing that with Cash now.  I close my eyes and I imagine Jesus handing him to you after his long trip to Heaven.  I told Tru that maybe you had to leave early for Heaven so that you could be there when Cash got to Heaven too.  I told him that you would take care of his baby brother just like  you used to take care of him.

I believe that every person has a purpose in life.  I believe that Cash fulfilled his purpose in only 2 months and 18 days.  I believe that he is in Heaven and that we will see him again.  But though that brings comfort, it doesn't take away the pain of his loss.  My daughter's arms are empty.  She misses his smell and his laugh, she mourns seeing him learn to walk, and  to talk, she misses the promise of dandelions in chubby hands, mud pies and tea, the oohs and ahs of seeing his first lightening bug, she mourns the time to know him and watch him grow into a man.  My daughter has been called to do the hardest thing that any mother is ever called to do.  She has been called to mourn for her child.

I pray for comfort for our girl.  I pray for peace for her heart.  Jesus is our great comforter and I pray that she will feel Him near.  That she will know that her child is only a heartbeat away.  And I pray that God will help me to be the person that she needs me to be during this time of great sadness.

Baby, take care of our girl and her  "Lil Buddy".  And if you could, would you please sing him a lullaby?  Hold him in your arms and tell him how much his mama loves him.  And if you could, would you please give him a kiss from his Mawmo too?

I love you, Michael and I miss you so much everyday, but I'm so glad that you are there to take care of our precious Cash.

Jeremiah 31:13

New International Version (NIV)

13 Then young women will dance and be glad,
    young men and old as well.
I will turn their mourning into gladness;
    I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.