My "New Normal"

Hi Baby,

I haven't written for awhile, because honestly, I don't know what to write.  Life is happening.  Things are being done, days go by and I miss you.  I've been holding back the tears.  Doing stuff..I'm not sure what stuff I've even done?

There have been 4 babies born since  you've been gone..or is it five?  The neighbor took the cat to the vets for me today because she's peeing blood and I just don't have the time or energy..I'm not sure which it is? (and now she's hiding and pouting, so unless I find her, I won't be able to set the motion detectors).  The check engine light came on in your truck today.  I called Larry and he gave me some advice.  I have new clients, I finally gave in and made an appointment for Tru to see the pediatrician about his behavior problems.  Last night I spent the entire night by myself in our house for the very first time ever.  I suppose this is my "new normal"?

I hate that phrase you know.  To me it sounds like an oxymoron.  How can this "new" life ever be "normal"?  When you were here, life was normal.  When you were here, we were a family.  When you were here, you irritated me, loved me, made me laugh, held me up, helped me grow and you put your arms around me and you hugged me real tight.  That was normal.

The American Royal Barbecue is coming up.  We always went to that.  You got free tickets from a vendor and we went and we ate stuff and you drank too much free beer and I drove us home.  That was "normal".  The Kansas City Marathon is coming up.  You went and got the signs, set them out, woke me up at "o'dark thirty" and we went together and stood in the cold in the early morning and pointed to where to turn for the Half Marathon or the Full Marathon.  That was normal.

In our old life, we parented together.  When Tru had a melt down, you controlled him, calmed him and involved him.  In our "new normal" I parent alone, I'm putting him on drugs and I'm probably totally screwing him up.  In our old life, he was a happy little boy with two parents who loved him.  In our "new normal" he is an angry kid who has lost his beloved Popi , his Mawmo has fallen apart and he sits in your empty chair and he talks to you.  This is our "new normal".

In our old life, I talked to you in person, I talked to you on the phone, I emailed you every day.  In my "new normal" I talk to you when you're not here, I listen to old voice messages you left and I write a blog that you will never read. In our old life, I thought about you all the time.  In my "new normal" I try not to think of you.   In our old life, I cared...in my "new normal" I could care less.

When people tell me I need to find my "new normal" I think they mean well.  I think they mean it as a form of encouragement.  "New Normal" really sucks, Michael.  I don't want a "new normal", I want my old, normal, run of the mill, happy life.

I miss you so much, Michael.  My soul has been torn in half, my world has been destroyed.  My faith has been rendered powerless. In our old life, I believed that God would grant me the desires of my heart.  I believed I could ask him to protect those I love.  In my "new normal", He's the God who turned a deaf ear when I begged him not to take you.  He's the God who gave you to me and then took you away.

And now, I sit alone at night, crying hot, hurtful tears.  Sitting here in grief and disbelief.  Begging God to turn back time and bring you back....just for a minute...to bring you back and let you hold me tight, let you tell me that it's all going to be okay.  And this, Baby, this is my "new normal".