What not to say to the widow

Since you left, I have had the strangest things said to me.  Some things piss me off, some things make me laugh (not funny-ha ha!), some things make me cry and once in a while, someone says just the right thing and for a few moments, I feel like I can survive the loss of you.

Most people just don't know what to say.  They don't mean any harm, they want to make you feel better.  Other people are just ridiculously stupid and still others think they are giving sage advice.

Here are some of my favorite things to NOT say to the widow (yes, these things have actually been said to me)

1.  At the visitation "you know, all the women were in love with your husband".  How do you   answer that? "gee, that's nice dear"? or how about "Isn't that sweet, but HE was in love with ME"? 
2.  It's been three weeks...you should be getting used to this by now!  Well, now I know! In 3 weeks, I should be used to having my entire life ripped apart.  And all before the life insurance and the death  certificates are even delivered.
3.  Don't worry, Honey, there are lots of nice guys out there!  Well, since it's been 3 weeks and I'm used to it and there are nice guys out there..what am I upset about?"
4.  I'm sorry for your loss.  Now, I know people say this because they don't want to say "I know how you  feel".  But come on, after hearing this over 800 times, it just doesn't seem very sincere.  It's a catch all phrase.  This can be used if your house burns down, your dog gets run over or you get fired from your   job.  Tell me you thought my husband was a wonderful person, tell me I'm not alone, give me your  number and tell me I can call when my grass needs mowed or my drains back up, or my laundry needs done.  Share a wonderful memory with me of something my husband did. Or just tell me you're sorry for my pain.
5.  Gee, I sure hope your luck changes! This one I had to laugh at!  A stupid clerk in a store that had lost my freezer (because of course the freezer was going out in the middle of all this), after I told her my husband had just died, we'd lost all his income, benefits and social security.  I wanted to say "Thanks sweetie, cause if it doesn't, what's next?  Having my body covered in purulent boils and my house falling into a giant sink hole?
6.  If you are an ex girlfriend, lover or spouse...please do not tell the widow "I loved him a long time ago, but I understand  your pain because I loved him too"!  Need I say more?
7.  You should be thankful for the time you had.  Yes, I am thankful, I am thankful for every single precious, wonderful moment.  Are you telling me I shouldn't be grieving, just counting my blessings?
8.  You're lucky, at least you got to experience real love.  Some people never do.  Yes, I am blessed, every single day that he was with me, I felt blessed.  But would you tell the mother who had lost her child "just be grateful you had a child"?  Or the person who lost a parent "just be thankful you had a mother"?
9.  You need to go on with your life.  Excuse me, but right this minute, I can barely think of getting through  the next hour.  My heart has just been shredded and you're telling me to "get on with my life"
10.   The Lord will see you through this.  I love the Lord, but right now, I'm pretty unhappy and am feeling pretty betrayed by God.  He just took the most precious person in my life.  I'm angry and it's kind of  hard to think the Lord is going to see me through this when I'm still blaming Him for taking my husband.
11.  You just need to get busy.  Today, it took all my strength to brush my teeth, put on the clothes I've   worn for the past three days and make it to the couch.  In a few days, I'm hoping to have the strength to bathe.  Is that busy enough?  Because, really, it's all I've got in me.
12.  You're going through the (name a stage)part of grief, this is normal.  Do not tell me what stage of grief I'm in.  I don't care what you call it, to me, it all feels like pain.
13. Was there a will?  Why, were  you expecting to be in it?  Otherwise, why would you ask?
14. Are you going to sell your house?  My husband isn't in the ground, his shoes are still beside my bed, no, I'm not planning on selling today.
15. Here's my number.  If you feel lonely, give me a call, we'll do dinner. If this is a same-sex person, this is a nice gesture, HOWEVER it is never okay to hit on the widow in the receiving line at the visitation.
16. You're strong, you'll get through this.  Why, because no one has had to talk me in off the ledge?

Now, here is the number one stupid thing that I've had said to me.  This was by an insurance salesman over the phone:  "May I speak to Michael"?  I asked who's calling, he tells me it's about insurance.  I tell the man that my husband has passed away.  He says "Well, he applied for insurance".  I say "He's dead"  Now, get this .....here's the best part "Well, when do  you expect him back"?  Oh gee, I don't know, maybe next Friday but by the return of Christ for sure!!!!

Remember, if you don't know what to say, a hug, a handshake or the offer to say a prayer is always appreciated.