Today Tru brought home a picture he had drawn at school. It had him with his arms out and smiling, next he drew me, and I also had my arms out and was smiling. Then he drew you. You had your arms down and you were all colored over with blue paint. I asked Tru what his drawing was about? He said that he and I were smiling because we were happy. He said you were covered in tears because you miss me. I said "You mean because Popi misses US"? and he said "No, Mawmo, because he misses YOU".
I've been reading a book on grief from church. It says you should "embrace your grief". That grief is something you should "experience" not "go through" or "get over". You should have courage to mourn publicly, that the person who is willing to cry publicly is showing a willingness to "heal".
So, they want us to "embrace the beast" because that's what grief really is, Sweetie. It's a monster...it slashes, and claws and tears at my heart. It raises it's ugly head and and sends me reeling into retreat. There are times that I think I've escaped the beast...but it's impossible... it's only hiding, waiting to attack..maybe I'm driving down the highway listening to a song, maybe it's while I'm trying to mow the grass, or when I try to tell a funny story about you...it just blindsides me because this beast doesn't fight fair.
Our little guy is learning to read and write! He is so smart and amazing. He can write my name now including our last name. He is always asking me how to spell something, walking around with a paper and pencil. I know you would be so proud of him. I know you would help him do his homework and make sure he gets it right.
The beast brings guilt. Why didn't I cherish you more? Why didn't I make time for "date days" after we were married. Did I tell you often enough and make you feel loved and happy? Was there more I should've or could've done? Why did I spend New Year's morning fighting with you about something stupid? I didn't know it would be the last New Year's and before half the year was over, you'd be gone. Did I bother to try to dress myself up the last time we went out for dinner? The night before you died? Or did I just run a brush through my hair because I was exhausted from your hospitalization and my hectic schedule?
After my meeting today, helping a client get ready for her birth, I stopped at the hobby shop and bought some silk flowers and that little plastic cone thing to stick in the ground..you know the cemetery flower things? I drove to the cemetery, took the flowers, a candy bar, my ice tea and cigarettes and camped out by your grave (I HATE that word). It was such a pretty day, and I sat there on the grass making flower arrangements for you and Grandma and Grandpa. Pretty, cheerful fall arrangements. You used to like watching me make things.
As I worked, I talked to you about all the things that are going on around here. I talked to you about the kid, I talked to you about the house and my recent birth. And I thought I'd outlived the beast. I thought I could visit you without the pain. But, I was wrong. I laid down next to you and put my arm across you and I cried and I begged you to come home. I asked you why you left me when you promised you would never leave me? I asked you how you could've gone so easily when we had so many things left to do? I cried the cry of the mortally wounded.
I could hear you say "just come on home, baby, it's getting late" and I knew you would be worried because it was time to pick up your little guy. I knew that if you were here, you'd be reminding me that I had to work tonight, so I needed to "just come on home". So, I packed up my stuff and I left you there yet again.
And so I embrace the beast.
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