The Primal Scream

Good Morning, My Sweet Michael,

Oh, how I miss you!  Do you ever get tired of hearing me say that?  Do you ever wish you could cross this wide abyss and tell me to get off my butt, clean the house, quit eating junk food and be "me" again?  But then, I know that you never expected me to just jump up and dust myself off.  You knew how painful this would be for me..that's why you told me, that last night, that you weren't afraid to die...you were only worried about me.

The days have melded into weeks and the weeks into months.  It seems sometimes as if it's been one long, horrible day.  Standing in church yesterday, singing a hymn that I especially love, I felt you holding my hand like you always did.  I felt you telling me to praise God.  And for the first time since you've been gone, I lifted my hand in praise.  It was painful.  I felt so broken.  I felt so pitiful and for the first time, I asked God to heal my bleeding, festering wounds.  To heal this broken heart.

I've become a master at stuffing tears inside.  Telling myself "not now, make the bed, not now, you've got a meeting, not now, a woman is in labor".  But last Thursday from out of nowhere, this creature inside me clawed it's way to the surface.

I was doing the dishes.  I had a meal to make for a sick friend.  As I was standing there thinking of things I needed to get done, I felt this creature erupt from my body, taking over and consuming me.  This scream, this horrible, pitiful, painful scream came from somewhere inside me...somewhere I didn't even know existed.  It knocked me to my knees.

I had no power over it.  It was primal, it was physical and it indwelt my body.  I was on my knees, my face in the dishwasher full of dirty dishes and I just screamed!  The exertion was so great that I couldn't even stay on my knees.  I fell to the floor and gave birth to this primitive, untamed, unfettered being.

I felt like I was out of my body.  Like I was looking down on myself and my mind was independent of my body.  Thinking of making the lasagna, thinking of the mailman coming to the door, thinking of inconsequential things as I screamed!  I screamed at God for taking you.  I screamed at you for leaving me.  I screamed at the pain and the fear and the loneliness.  I kicked the cabinets.  A puddle of tears and snot and spit forming under my face on the kitchen floor.

I couldn't breathe, I couldn't function, I screamed until my vocal chords were swollen and stopped producing sound. I screamed until my lungs were burning and my nails had cut into my palms.  I gave life to this hurting, dying creature.

And as suddenly as it came, it was gone.  It was like surviving a tornado.  The storms come and the wind makes a fearful noise like a freight train bearing down on you.  There is damage and fear and when it's gone, when the silence surrounds you, you think "I survived.  I survived this and I'm still here".

When this horrible tempest had passed, I stood up, wiped my face and I made the lasagna.  I finished the dishes and I got dressed.  I went out into the world and I did the things I needed to do.  I felt empty and spent and exhausted, but I did it. I did it for you and for Tru and for me.

And Michael, I knew that you were with me.  I knew it was you that kept me safe, that sheltered me from the damage.  And I knew that you understood.  I knew that you guided me.  And I'm safe.

My love for you has not ended, it hasn't even abated.  The memory of your touch has not left my body.  Your voice is still in my head and your smell is etched in my soul.  I love you for eternity, Michael.  And Baby, I miss you so very, very much.