Hi Sweetie,
It's been 11 weeks today. Where did the time go? For the first time, I had to actually look at a calendar and count the weeks. I can't believe it's been 11 weeks since that most terrible night. In a way it seems like it was yesterday, and in a way it seems like it has been years since I last saw you. I still can't believe..my HEART doesn't believe that you're gone yet.
David and three of his kids came last week and were here for 6 days, so my time has been completely filled. I actually cooked bacon while they were here. You are never far from my mind, Baby. Even frying bacon, the memories of you frying bacon float through my thoughts. And as I was cooking the bacon, I wondered what happened to the days that you would make the bacon and I would make the eggs?For the last year? You made the eggs and the bacon. And I feel guilty because I didn't put out the effort, but let you do so much of the cooking. I guess we just fell into that...or did I let you down?
David put in a security light in the back yard. He also installed security cameras. Very high tech. I can sit on the couch and see if a car comes down the street, who is at the door and I can watch Tru play in the back yard. I also had the alarm system upgraded. Each of those things I thought would make me feel safer. But, they don't. I don't feel as safe sitting here with all that and the new back door, as I did when you were laying in our bed sleeping. I miss you so much.
I actually went a whole day without crying. Then I felt guilty that I hadn't cried that day and I was worried that you would think I don't still love you, or that I "got over it quickly"? Then in the shower, the ugly cry came. I just try not to let myself think about it, Baby. I am trying to survive...a moment at a time.
Tru talks about missing you more and more. He remembers the things you gave him for certain occasions. He sleeps in the middle of the bed like he's leaving space for you to sleep. And somehow the days melt one into the other and we've both survived. I like to think that you can see us from Heaven and that it makes you happy to see us survive?
We cleaned your man cave today. I remember when I started decorating it and I texted you pictures as I progressed. You were so proud of your man cave. We didn't spend much time there, but it was YOURS and you loved it when your friends would come over and you could take them down there to watch a game or just hang out.
Kaetlyn came home from Africa and she's been here the past couple of days. I was talking to her today about the amazing ways that God worked in our relationship and in our lives. She said that our marriage was such a testimony to God's goodness. As we talked, I realized that even though you left after such a short time, I'm content. I'm content knowing that I have been truly loved. I'm content that I had a wonderful marriage and I feel no need to find another person. I had my person. God may change my heart, but if not, Baby, you were enough. You were enough for always.
I'm going to try to go to church tomorrow. Tru and I are in such a horrible habit of staying up late, sleeping late and missing everything. I have to try to get into the habit of getting up early. You could always get me up no matter how tired I was. Now I just can't seem to get up. He starts school in a couple of weeks (can you believe that?) and we've got to try to get up in the mornings. You know how much I hate mornings and now Tru has become a night person too! You would be appalled!
Well, I'm going to stop now. I'm going to go to bed, surrounded by all this technology and try to get up in the morning. I love you, Baby Boy. I love you with all my heart.
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