When you were here with me, you went to bed early and I went to bed late. You took Tru to bed with you. Later, I would carry him to his bed so that I could have you all to myself for a little while.
You used to tell me that you felt like we never slept together because I would come to bed only hours or minutes before you had to get up. Why did I waste those opportunities? Sometimes I would be so tired, but the thought of having to carry the little guy to bed, or needing to fix the coffee maker or pack your lunch, would keep me sitting right here...playing mindless computer games. But, I knew that you were there. I knew that I could come into the bedroom at any time and you would be there.
So many times, after procrastinating and then finally coming to bed, I would wrap around you, put my left hand under your t shirt so I could feel your stomach, and I would put my right hand on your head so I could feel your curls. I don't know why I did that, but it just felt right. I just wanted to hold onto you. Hold on until I felt safe. I wanted to feel your warmth and smell your warm sleep smell. I wanted to hear your sleep sounds. I wanted to hear you say "I love you" even though you were sleeping. And I would sigh like I had finally come home. I would thank God for the miracle of having you in my life. The last time I put my hand on your stomach was right before I sealed your casket. So, I stay up.
Now, I have times that I want to come to bed early (mostly out of boredom and also because there is escape in sleep) but I feel like a traitor going to bed early because I didn't go to bed early when you wanted me to. So I stay up. And because the thought of coming to bed and once again finding it empty is just more than I can bear most nights. So, I stay up.
I stay up playing mindless computer games, searching for friends on Face Book that can't seem to sleep either..searching for anything that will delay the inevitable. I stay up until I am exhausted. I stay up until I think I've used my quota of tears for the day. I stay up until I have a (false) hope that I can fall asleep.
I dreamed of you the other night. I dreamed that you were somehow back and you made love to me. I told you how I had treasured the last time we had been together because I thought those memories would have to last me forever. You just kissed me and said "Let's not talk about sad things now. Let's just be together". My tears woke me up. So, I stay up.
Remember how we used to come home from a long trip and when we got in bed, one of us would always say "I love our bed"? Remember how when we bought the house right before we got married, we prayed in the bedroom for our marriage. We prayed that our bedroom would always be a source of love, comfort and safety. We prayed that our bedroom would be a refuge? So, I stay up.
Your alarm used to go off every morning at 3:15. A week after you were gone, after your funeral, the alarm went off. I waited for you to hit the snooze button, but of course you didn't. Now, I still wake up every morning at 3:15. You used to get ready for work, get your coffee and come sit on the side of the bed (when we first got married I asked you to always wake me up to say goodbye) and you would tell me you were leaving and that you loved me. So, I stay up.
And I wonder, "will I ever sleep again"? So, I just stay up!
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