Where is my God?

It seems like only yesterday that I was telling you how close and how near God felt.  He was moving mightily in our children's lives.  Our two youngest (grown) children were in church, were getting their lives together.  My business was growing quickly. baseball season was here.  It was as if I could FEEL God right there in the car with us.

It's not that I only feel close to God when things are good.  I know He's been with me through so many difficult, hurtful times in my life.  But, where is He since He took you?

I cry out to Him to comfort me.  I beg Him to guard my mind and my heart from the enemy while I'm so vulnerable.  I plead with Him to let me feel His presence, but I still feel so abandoned.  I feel numb and empty and hollow inside.

I go to church looking for Him there.  I cry when they play the music.  I still feel you sitting next to me in worship..I still see you in your casket at the front of the sanctuary.  That was the last place I saw your face.  The place I kissed you, held your hand and lowered you into your casket and sealed it shut. I feel you there. I feel the pain there. But, I don't feel my Lord there.

Maybe God knows I'm angry with Him?  I know that He's big enough to withstand my temper tantrums.  I know that He loves me, but where is He?  Has my pain so totally consumed me that there is no longer enough room to feel His love and His Mercy?

Yet, He sends me wonderful friends and even strangers to tell me of His love.  It seems that whenever things are hardest, He sends me someone.  He sent me Louise when I had the bacon crisis. He sends me Beth to hold me at church.  He sent Sherry to sit beside me and pray.  Just yesterday in the Office Depot store, He sent me a stranger.  An older black lady that I felt drawn to talk to, and she prayed and talked to me about God right there in the middle of the store.

Today was a hard day.  Today Tru started Kindergarten and you weren't here. I know that you would've taken the day off work to drive him to his first day.  Today was an all day long ugly cry day.  Today I felt as if I couldn't go on without you.  The pain is crushing me.  Now that the numbness and the shock have worn off, it leaves me with bone crushing, excruciating pain.

So, I cried all day.  I gave up, I begged God for His presence and still, I couldn't find Him.  I decided to go to the church to try to find Him there, but Bryan (our friend and handyman) came to fix some things for me and I couldn't go.  I kept thinking where can I find God?  Where can I find Michael? I wanted to go to the cemetery, but I knew that I would only find more pain.  And, it was time to put on my happy face and go get your little guy from his first day of school

God is my Shepard. He is the great Counselor. He is my Comfort.  He is a Faithful Friend. He is Teacher, He is Father, He is Protector.  But, He also feels so far away right now and the pain of missing you AND my Savior feels like torture to my soul.