I keep trying to remember the last day that you were here with me. It's taken a while and really, I still don't remember all of the day before. I remember waking up,it was raining and we were snuggled up. You were thinking about getting a little freaky and then Tru came running in and jumped into bed with us. He got right between us and started trying to wriggle his way in. He was saying "hey guys, I don't have enough room...scoot over, Mawmo....Mawmo, this is MY spot next to Popi". When we finally let him between us, he said "Popi, let's me and you go watch cartoons in the living room and leave Mawmo here". You were always such a good sport when it came to Tru. Later that day (don't remember what I was doing or what time it was) I was joking with you and said "you thought you were going to get you some, didn't you?" and you said "yep". I replied "Yeah, and I was fixin' to give you a great big ole piece of it too" and you just laughed because you liked my crazy sense of humor. At some point that day, you drove to Forbo to put in your paperwork so you could get a paycheck the next week.
We went out for dinner because I asked you to take me. I was tired from the days in the hospital, a full day Thursday of visiting clients and was just being lazy this day. We went to Ruby Tuesdays. I drank a whole pear/lavender martini! You asked if you needed to drive home (because I almost never drink a whole drink). In the parking lot as I was driving us home, I snapped at you about something...I have no idea what it was and it just breaks my heart to think of it. You said "you never used to let little things bother you". I told you that I used to have more than one hormone left in my body and that I was just tired and I was also very scared and worried about you".
That evening, you were in your chair and I was sitting in my spot on the couch playing stupid computer games and you came and sat down next to me. You asked me what I was playing and I explained it to you...it was just something you never did and I knew something was bothering you. I put the computer away and put my arm around you so that I could rub your hair (you and Tru had gone to the barber shop that day). You told me to stop because there were no curls left and it was driving you crazy. I said I still liked the way your hair felt even without the curls. I asked you "Baby, are you scared?" and you said "no". I said "really, because I think I would be scared" and you told me "No, I'm only worried about you". The rest of the night was so normal.
I took a bath before I came to bed so that I would be clean for you. I knew since your attempts had been foiled by the little guy, you would be trying again, and I wasn't disappointed. Because it was your last gift to me, I'm going to write it out here because I never want to forget any little detail of the last time you loved me as your wife.
I remember you waking me up and I rolled towards you and put my arms around me. You just sighed...relief? pleasure? I didn't ask you..but at the time it felt more like maybe both because I was welcoming you to me. I made a quick trip to the bathroom and came back and snuggled up to you. You made love to me and I was just really hoping it would last a little longer. But, you took the time afterwards to make sure I was happy. I remember laying on your shoulder, feeling your skin and warmth next to me. Then you got excited again! I was so thrilled...it had been a while since we could make love twice...but the poor thing went away. You told me I "stole" it..I said I was just trying to catch it before it could get away. You laughed at that. But somehow it came back and we made love again. And then I don't remember..I don't remember did we cuddle? Did we tell each other how much we loved each other? I just don't remember?
Your mother called and wanted to go to the hospital. I tried to talk her into waiting because we both thought she probably didn't really need to go to the hospital. I think for the first time, you wanted me to take her, but you and Tru went to take her (I felt like a bum). Robert was there when you got there and he took her instead. You guys came home for awhile and were going to go to LuLu's birthday party. I said I was going to stay home and clean the house and bake for the Holiday. You sat on your chair for awhile with your head down, kind of dozing. You looked so tired and I asked if you were sure you wanted to go. You said "yes". So, you took Tru and went to Karland's house and I started cleaning the house.
When you got back, I was almost finished and you were struggling with Tru to get him to lay down and take a nap (he had fallen asleep on the way home and woke back up when you got here). I wondered why you were fighting with him like that? But, you got him to sleep and I finished cleaning. When I was done, I asked you if your house felt like your castle again and you said "yes, thank you, it feels much better".
We were supposed to go to the drive in, but you said "Maybe we should wait and go tomorrow since we have church in the morning". I said "well, we always stay up late, but okay. We can go tomorrow". You looked relieved. I said, "Tru will be disappointed, maybe I can go to Wal Mart and get sand for his sand box and take his mind off it". You agreed.
In the meantime, we were trying to get Pastor Francis and his family's tickets to the musical in Branson straightened out. We were both upset that there was a problem with the tickets. He texted me at 7:08 p.m. and said they had gotten their tickets. You were so relieved at that and then you told me I should go on to Wal Mart so I could be back before Tru woke up. I went out to the sun room and when I came back in, you had put on a long sleeved shirt and asked me to leave the door open. I asked if you were cold and you said yes. I said it did feel kind of cold in here, but the thermometer said it was 72. It never occurred to me that you were cold because your heart was acting up! I said, "I better get going and turned around to pick up my purse". And then I heard you make a funny noise...like snorting.
When I looked at you, you had stiffened up in your chair, your eyes were rolled back and you were making that noise. I shook you and tried to get you to wake up. I thought you were having a seizure. You wouldn't wake up! I grabbed the phone and called 911. The phone just kept ringing and I remember saying "you've got to be kidding me". Then I got a recording telling me to hold for the next available operator. Holding the phone I ran outside and screamed for help, but there was no one around. I ran to Rod's house and banged on the door, but there was no answer. I was almost back to the house when an operator came on the line.
I told her to send an ambulance that you had a heart attack and I gave her our address. She asked where I was and I said I was on my way back to the house I was trying to get help. She told me I needed to do CPR. I picked you up like a baby and put you on the floor and gave you a breath. I started doing CPR. The stupid operator kept trying to give me instructions and I told her I was a nurse certified in CPR and just to send me help. She kept on with her instructions and I said "Lady, I'm already doing CPR, just get me help"...then she wanted me to count with her. I'm already screaming at you to wake up, praying to God not to take you and this women is wanting me to count CPR. I told her to shut the fuck up and get me help. Where is the ambulance? How much longer? Give me the ETA, I can't do this by myself forever".
Tru woke up and I told him "Popi is very sick and Mawmo needs help. I need you to go to the neighbor's and tell them that Popi is sick and Mawmo needs help right now" as he started out the door, I told him "don't cross the street, go through the grass and go to Shannon's house and tell Shannon to come quick". Tru ran out the door and right afterwards, the fire department got here.
The first fireman in the house headed out the back door and asked how to open the gate. I said "I'll open the gate, you take care of my husband". So, I went and opened the gate. When I came back in, they had cut your clothes off and put the electrodes and the defib pads on you. The fireman told me to go outside and I said "no". he said "ma'am, you need to take your son outside". That's when I saw Tru standing there. I grabbed him and my phone and we went outside. I knew you were gone. I knew by then that you would never come back to me.
I don't know how long they worked on you. It seems like forever. When they brought you out, I kissed your face and told you that I loved you. by then there were neighbors in the yard praying with me. Twyla took Tru to her house and then she took me to the hospital.
When I got there, they sent me to a room. Robert and Frank and people from the church were already there. when they finally let me into the room with you, they were still kind of coding you. I asked them how long you had been down and they said "50 minutes". I told them "stop...just stop". I knew that even if they got your heart to beat, your brain was gone by then. I walked over to you and said "Baby, I have to let you go". And I held your hand said the Lord's prayer.
Oh, my God!!!!! How do you let the person who inhabits half of your soul go? I didn't know how to let them take you, I didn't know how to let you go.
People were coming in to see you..your family and our family. I just sat on a chair next to you and put my head on your shoulder, on "my place" and held your hands. That's all I could do because I knew that it was my last moment to ever do that and I knew that it would be gone too soon.
After everyone had seen you, I asked them to take the stuff off of you. To take the tube out of your mouth. they had to find a doctor who was willing to release you so that they could extubate you. I just wanted to kiss you one last time. They finally got everything off of you and I covered your body with a sheet. Beth asked if I wanted time alone with you and I said yes.
When everyone left, I just touched you...I touched every single part of you. I tried to make my hands remember your feel, tried to commit to memory (as if I could ever forget) what you felt like. Finally, I was able to kiss your mouth one last time.
Betty asked me if I had a mortuary in mind. No!! I don't have a mortuary in mind...I have a movie in mind...a movie that we're supposed to go and see at the drive in. Who has a mortuary in mind when you've only been married 2 1/2 years? When your husband made love to you that morning? Why would I have a mortuary in mind?
She told me that I needed to send you to someone who knew how to take care of a black body. I looked at her like she was crazy. Then it occurred to me that yes, as a matter of fact you were black. How crazy is that? So, she gave the information to the nurses. I know she told me the name of the place, but it just didn't register (when I called her Sunday night I asked her "where is my husband" and she told me "he's in your heart"! LOL! I said "no, Betty, where did they take Michael"? She just knew I'd lost my mind totally!).
Teresa and Mac drove me home. I was in total shock. I couldn't believe that you were gone! Nothing seemed real. They stayed with me until Mom and Glenda got here from Branson. Everything was like watching it under water. All distorted and in slow motion.
Tru and I sat on the front porch steps and I explained to him that you had gone to Heaven. I told him you had a new heavenly body now. He said "Mawmo, can't my Popi come home now that he has a new body?". I told him no, that your new heavenly body was only for Heaven. I told him that you were probably up there playing baseball. When we went inside, he saw your baseball cap and started crying. He said "Mawmo, how can my Popi play baseball when he forgot his hat?".
The transplant team called me in the middle of the night. I was confused because I knew your organs could not be transplanted because you had been gone for so long. She said they could still use certain organs. She said they could use your bones and connective tissue and your corneas and eyes. I told them they could not have your eyes. Your beautiful, blue, kind loving eyes. All I could think of was that I didn't want you to be hurt. I didn't want them cutting up your beautiful body (The first time I saw you naked, I told you how beautiful you were). How could I just be talking about body parts being harvested when you were just alive a few hours ago? You were sitting in your chair talking about movies?
Sometime that night, I slept in our bed. I don't know how I slept. I don't know how I was able to get into our bed and sleep? But, Tru and I snuggled up and we slept.
No comments:
Post a Comment