It's been 54 days since you left, Michael. It still doesn't seem real that you are DEAD! You still feel so alive to me. I listen to the voice messages on my phone, I see your pictures and I wonder "how can he be dead when he's still so alive?". How can you, who were half of my soul, who sat beside me in our living room, snored beside me every night, talked to me on the phone 10 times a day, how can you possibly be gone?
The day I realized I was in love with you, I was so mad at myself. I was so mad for being foolish enough to fall in love with someone again. So afraid that I would be hurt again. And the next thing I knew, I never wanted anything as much as I wanted to be your wife.
Every single night of our marriage, I told you I loved you before I went to sleep. Every single night I thanked God for giving me the gift of you as my husband. Every single thing I've done since the day I fell in love with you, was for you. I so wanted to make you proud, to always give you the best, to make you feel loved and appreciated and you gave all those things back to me. I have never loved anyone the way that I love you.
This ache in my heart is constant. The loneliness, the pain, the missing you never goes away. Sometimes I will suddenly feel as if I've been with you...like waking from a dream and knowing you have been here...only it happens when I'm awake. Sometimes you feel so very close and other times you feel so very far away. I've waited for you to come to me in my dreams, but either you don't come, or I don't remember?
Baby, I just want you to come home. I don't want to go where you are right now..I want you to come back home. I want you to come back to THIS life, THIS marriage. I want us to finish what we started and to grow old together. You were supposed to be my forever guy. The guy that picked out a nursing home room with me. I figured that some day, I would lose you this way. That's the way it usually is with old people. That's the reason there are so many widows in nursing homes. But, I never dreamed it would be so soon.
When you were first gone, I cried constantly. The ugly cry. I couldn't believe how much liquid and mucous could come out of my face. Now I can actually go hours at a time without crying. But then it just comes...the tears over take me when I least expect it. The ugly cry. I hate the ugly cry. It feels like my guts are being torn out. It feels like being stabbed in the heart over and over again. The pain is so physical and so emotional that I don't think I can breathe. That I don't think I will be able to survive it.
It makes people uncomfortable to see my pain, to see me crying. I don't know if it's because they can imagine themselves in this pain and are afraid of it, or if it's because they want to help but don't know how. They don't know that even those moments when they don't see the tears on the outside, that the pain is just building on the inside. I think they feel like if they don't see tears, then I must be doing okay. Like the tears aren't a normal, natural part of this thing called grief.
I'm trying so hard to be okay, Michael. I'm only doing it because I know you would want me to...see, I'm still doing everything for YOU. I still go to your games, I still go to the events your friends invite me to, I still try to teach Tru the things you wanted him to learn, but I feel like such a failure at it. He won't listen to me. He totally ignores me. You were the only person he listened to, Baby.
I keep hearing you say "I just want to live long enough to raise Tru". And I always knew that you were the reason why he would turn out well. I loved the way we parented together. You created in me such a different person. Confident, determined, loving. You created that, or at least refined it in me.
Michael, I just want to be with you again. I miss US. I love you so much, Baby Boy.
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