The "Nothing" sets in.

Hi Michael,

The past few days have been busy.  Remember, I had the Doula Conference this past week?  It was good, but at the end of the day, not having you to talk to about it, it just seemed rather anti climactic.  I went through the motions, accepted the hugs and condolences of my Doula Sisters from out of town, but mostly, I just stayed numb.  I went to lunch with my friends and even made myself go to the "Disco Party".  That was so hard.  Listening to the music, seeing the others so happy and weightless and I was just numb.

Today I had a birth.  It was a good birth and I really had to fight for my clients.  For those hours in the birth room, I became myself.  I was able to totally concentrate on this beautiful, birthing woman who trusted me to get her through her labor.  You would've been so proud of me, Baby.  When I went to the waiting room to give the new parents a chance to bond with their baby and become a family, I wanted to call you so badly.  I picked up my phone and I listened to those precious voice mails that I have of you.  And for just a moment, I let the tears come.  But once again, I had to push them aside and just be numb.

Everything is falling apart without you.  Tru is off the hook, I feel totally out of control of anything and everything around me, and Baby, I just don't know if I care?

I am still in a total state of denial.  As I write these words, I still believe that you will be able to read them.  I can still see you and feel you so warm and so alive.  Sitting here in your chair, lying in our bed, but to keep from going insane, I let the "nothing set in".

Baby, I don't know how much longer I can stand this...how long can I keep functioning on the outside, trying to stay numb on the inside and waiting to just explode!

Everything scares me now, Baby.  Some idiot killed 12 people in a movie theater in Colorado.  There's a terrible drought the worst one since the dust bowl.  Social Security denied us, I worry about finances (we had just gotten to where we could breathe)...all of these things scare me to death because I have to face them without you.

I feel abandoned by you, Michael.  Not only did you leave me right in the middle of the life we had planned, but you don't even come to me in my dreams.  Every night when I go to sleep, I pray that this will be the night that I have "that dream".  The one that is so real, the one where you tell me you love me and that everything will be ok.  But night after night, you leave me alone in my dreams.

The worst part is realizing that there is not now, nor will there ever be, anyone who is in love with me.  No one to laugh at my jokes, no one to fuss at me when I mess something up, no one to hold me when I cry..no one to hold me ever again.  I am so lost and alone without you, Baby.  I just want you to come home.

People tell me I'm strong.  I guess because no one has had to talk me off a ledge, that makes me strong?  I'm not strong, I just don't believe you're really gone!  How can you be?  I hate this, Michael, I hate this so much!!!!  I don't want to keep going, I don't want to wake up without you every day.  I want you to come back, I want THIS life, I want THIS marriage, I want to finish what we started...I want the "nothing" to take away this pain because I don't think I can stand it for one more minute.

Michael, please, please, Baby, help me!  Help me survive this without you.  Help me wait until I can be with you again.  I can't do this without you.