Today I gave some of your clothes away. I had decided a few weeks back that the only people that I could stand wearing your clothes are your brothers. I know that you would approve of that. I know you loved your brothers and they love you so much. Still, when it came time to actually part with your favorite blue plaid shirt, the dress slacks I bought you the weekend we stayed at Crown Center, the shirt you wore on our first anniversary, it was hard. I wanted to take them back..tell Frank that I had changed my mind. But, I didn't...I let those parts of you go.
I'm afraid to let too many parts go. I'm afraid that when those things are gone, you will be once and for all, finally gone. I almost changed the sheets on the bed today...but I still just can't do that. It's like keeping them there, that place where you last made love to me, I can somehow keep YOU there with me. The same with your beer can. It was the last thing you touched. I can't let it go. But, I let some of your clothes go.
I really don't want to move forward, but somehow the world keeps dragging me in that direction. I have kicked and screamed and cried and begged to stay in my past..our past. The past that included you alive and warm and happy and laughing and loving. I tell myself that by moving forward, living my life, I'm actually moving towards you and being with you once again. Every minute of every day, I live my life for you.
Frank looks so much like an older version of you. His voice is different, his personality is not the same, but when I look at him from the side, I see your face. I kept looking at his face thinking "if I look hard enough, his face will turn into your face and you will be back". But in his world Fairy Tales don't seem to always end happily.
I love you, Michael. I miss you more and more every day. Every day I just want you to come home to me and Tru. But, today I gave some of your clothes away.
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