Days, Dreams and Denial

Hi Baby,

Today marks the 2 month anniversary of your death (I hate that word connected to you).  I had a dream about you night before last.  I dreamed that we were at a private service right before you were to be buried.  As I looked at you in the casket (you had on your white shirt..I don't know what happened to your suit coat) and you started moving your arm.  It really scared me because I thought it was a bodily response or something (always the nurse).  Then you sat up!  It was like you had just been sleeping.  You picked up Tru and you took him to his "buddies store", then you came back and sat down with him on your lap.  I knew that you couldn't stay "alive" because I knew you had been embalmed, I knew you had donated your bones (again, the nurse), but I didn't want to tell you.  I remember I was asking you question about what I should do with your insurance money, what I should do with your 401K, and before you could answer, the phone rang and woke me up.  Last night I dreamed that it was me whose funeral was being held.  I wondered how I could look dead when I was still breathing...so very weird.

Today I changed the sheets on the bed!  It's taken me two months to be able to do that. I couldn't stand the thought of taking "you" off our bed!  Taking away the last thing you slept on-that WE slept on, that we made love on.  You would probably worry about my mental health over that if you were here, but I think you would also understand.   I had to have Courtney stay on the phone with me while I took the sheets off the bed.  I neatly folded them (unwashed) and put them in the top of your closet just in case I feel like I need to put them back on the bed.  I cried the whole time I was doing it.  And I remembered how we used to talk about how good clean sheets feel and imagined telling you when you came home from work that the bed had clean sheets on it.

I doubled my anti depressants and it seems to help..or maybe it just makes me feel numb.  I feel guilty when I have a good day.  Like, maybe you'll see me not crying and you'll think it's because I didn't really love you.  These emotions, the grieving is so strange..I don't even recognize these thoughts and emotions as being part of me.  It's sure not something that I would've ever imagined.

I'm still fighting social security.  They say that Tru is not our dependent.  It's just ludicrous!  We had joint permanent guardianship, went through all those court hearings so Tru could have "permanency" and now Social Security says he's not our dependent.

I made an appointment to have a Trust formed so that I can put the house, the cars and all our stuff into the Trust.  It was so hard realizing that when you were gone, I had to change all the "emergency contact" stuff and to change the beneficiary on everything.  All this stuff, baby!  You know, I told Tom that maybe it would've been better for Tru if I had been the one who died instead of you.  But then, I can't imagine you having to wade through all this legal stuff.  And I wouldn't want to wish this pain on you.

I still can't fathom that you're really dead.  I look at your pictures, I smell your clothes, I see your toothbrush in the bathroom and I can still feel you, and I just can't imagine you as gone forever.  I talk about you all the time like you were still here.  I do things as if you were going to come home.  You were such a sweet, wonderful, kind, active man...how could you be dead already?

I love you so much, Baby.  like you used to tell me "Never,ever forget how much I love you...no matter what".  I love you, Baby.  No matter what.